tired

i’m tired of wearing this mask. trying to fool whoever asks of my disposition.

if you’d ask why i have to do this, i would say straight to your face that i am doing this because i want to show them how strong i am. i want to tell you and them that i know how to handle myself, my issues, my problems.

i am doing this because i want to prove to you that i can be man enough to face the wrecking ball of depression and desolation that would crumble me to pieces. i want you to see how i’m keeping myself together. how i’m holding on to the people around me and myself.

i am on the verge of breaking down, i am at the point of turning into one depressed soul.

i’m tired, but i wanted to keep this within me. i have to.

iwkywimf. forever.

del.icio.us Tags: hurt,pain,depression,alone

emotionless

here i am, standing at my friends balcony, drinking vodka and smoking my nth cigarette. bitter, the cigarette tastes bitter.

i sit by the side and think of myself. blank. i can’t think of anything… they talked about their story for the short film project that they’ll be doing, and i never did go out to talk with them. i never had to share anything about the story of that short film, because i was not that important in that film. but i do know that i’ll have my own direction for this video for the official soundtrack of that film.

as i sat at the side, i thought about my reaction towards the things that are around me, i never had any reaction towards those things. i always had been quiet about issues, and probably that is why they never notice me. i never had been the outspoken kind of person, so my boyfriend thinks as i think of it myself.

i never had any reaction. i felt void. i felt emotionless.

i feel like i am becoming less human because i cannot express myself anymore. my boyfriend is so frigging tired of me being so quiet. he wants me to talk.

I WANT TO TALK.

i never wanted to disappoint him, on me being so quiet and so not reacting on the things happening around us, especially about us…

I AM EMOTIONLESS.

i never wanted to be like this. maybe i just do not want to associate myself with these issues that surround us, that surround my friends, that surround me.

it is wrong to be like this. i do want to express myself often, but i still feel so constricted. i feel caged up by these overlapping emotions that i am supposed to feel. i have had enough of being soft spoken. i hate being like that anymore.

i do not want to be EMOTIONLESS anymore. no more.

del.icio.us Tags: emotionless,alone,paranoid,self-pity

Wet Christmas

I don’t know if you’ve enjoyed your holidays, but mine was absolutely wet. Don’t get me wrong here, I enjoyed my Christmas day but, I never did expect my Christmas day to be like that – wet. though i really enjoy the chilly air that has been hurling around the town all day (no, make that all month long).

It was freezing up here at Tagaytay, I woke up really late – too late that I’ve missed most of the children that has been asking for “pamasko”. I love this weather when it’s all chilly and cold, longing for someone’s tight warm embraces; but all I’ve got is a hot mug of coco,  sweater and some blankets (layers of it). It just seems so not fitting for the jolly, warm and fuzzy Christmas atmosphere. It is odd enough that I’ve spent my whole day sulking and watching Christmas marathon movies, and not go to my relatives to greet them a happy Christmas. Though, I did went to my aunt’s house to visit and socialize, and yeah, to see my first niece too. She’s adorable, she looks like my cousin Abby.

Speaking of my first niece, I didn’t expect, uh, I didn’t know that I have already got a godchild! I’ve absolutely forgotten about him! Oh, poor child, but I did give him some cash though. Him and his mother went here at home. I was so shocked when I saw him and his mother. I was so shy to approach them, really! Gawd, you just have no idea how burdening it is for me to have been missed the responsibilities of a good godparent. It is because I didn’t know! I thought that all of that god parenting thingy was a joke when my dad substituted for me during his baptism. I thought that it was my dad who is that godfather of that child but, it turned out that it was really me who is the godfather.

Jeez. I’m becoming insensitive. I’ve gone cold. I’m becoming the Grinch!

Oh the weather outside… It’s freezing, don’t bother to ask if I get all nippy here, yeah I do. I’m frozen here forever, I’m just waiting until the resuming of class in January, but until then, my mind and my body would remain as docile as the weather. Shoot! I’ve just remembered, I still have to do that script! Darn…

Great, this is just the greatest Christmas vacation, EVER!

del.icio.us Tags: Christmas2008

blocked

lately, i have been having trouble writing. you know the feeling of having so much thoughts of what to write, and suddenly when you face the monitor nothing comes out of your head? that, that’s what i have been experiencing lately. i do not want to have this kind of situation. is this some kind of a disease or something? i wouldn’t call it writer’s block – it’s too lame a word to call it that.

i do not want to have this kind of feeling right now. i have so much to do, so much stuff to write and i can’t let it out.

i have to write a script for this upcoming event for school. i have to write a prayer for the school administrators, for the foundation day and alumni homecoming. see, i have so much responsibilities to do.

i so hate this feeling right now.

The Need To Be Alone

They say that no man is an island, but I say that a man should at least know how to be alone.

A man should at least know how to separate himself from the world that he has been used to, perhaps to spend time alone - to think of himself, his problems and its resolutions, and on how he affects other people through his influence. A man needs to isolate himself from time to time, to concentrate.

As with what general psychology says, we need to be alone sometimes, and with his time being alone he can do introspection -  a reflection of himself.

We all have friends to accompany us with our everyday life, but it is once that we ask for time for ourselves. Our friends should understand that we need to separate ourselves from them too, and this is a mature and healthy act of assessing one's social interaction with the environment that he has been living in. This would mean having and reassessing one's judgements towards other people, setting aside the views and opinions of friends. After coming to a realization towards something, we should then meet halfway with our friend's point of views. Our independent decisions are beneficial for our relationships with the people around us; having time to think about our issues with our peers, our relationship with our parents, our work or academic behavior and attitude, our relationship with our significant other - these are some of the things that we need to spend time with ourselves. We need reflection. Our judgements should not be hurried, we should give time for ourselves to think and decide.

I have been experiencing a dilemma. I have long been wanting to spend time with myself, to think and to muse about the things that have been going on with my life, with my relationships with my peers, my relationship with my parents and my relationship with myself.

I wanted to distance myself from my friends because I need to set my own opinion on the issues that have been going on with us, with other people. For once, I just wanted to think of myself. I didn't mean to be selfish or anything and I don't hate them either, I just need to have a break from them. I have been spending so much time being with them that I felt like being dazed with my own judgments and depend on how they would act, and I know that this is turning out to be unhealthy.

I wanted to fix my relationship with my parents too, they can't understand my hardships at school anymore. They always question me why I always come home late. The availability of my major subjects are only during the evening. I want to talk to them, I'm just setting myself to be in confrontation with them.

I am losing myself lately. I feel numb. I am void of emotions. No, I'm not really losing my emotions lately, it's just that I feel like not showing my emotions towards issues. I pity myself whenever my boyfriend and I talk about our relationship, whenever we have problems to resolve - it just seems that I am not showing my exact emotion for that situation, but I do have the empathy to understand my boyfriend and whatever situation that we have for that very moment. I am just not myself anymore.

I have lost myself from the rush of things during the previous activity that we have from our major subject last semester. So many things have passed and so many things have happened that I have lost track of everything - and that includes myself.

I haven't spent any time with myself lately. I have been used to being solo - with being solitary before I met my friends, just like how my boyfriend before. That is why I understand what he means that he wants to go solo again -  to spend time with himself and his need to be alone.

This time, I would pause and think of the things that have been going on around me. I need time to be alone.

to smile without you

i leave upon you the shadow of our past
the unbearable baggage of infidelity
the shackles of regret that had kept me abound
i leave it upon you in exchange of my freedom

gone were the days of despair
gone were the days of distrust
for love had only remained only as a witness
to your secret rendezvous with materialism and lust

the unbroken agreement has been spoken
my universe will not revolve around you anymore
you will no longer give warmth to my frozen heart
and the sun will drift and nestle on a universe anew

until i no longer speak of your name
and i have no longer remembered the memories that we've built
for these are all burdens that had kept me coming back to you
i shall learn to smile without you

i shall swim against the currents of your being
i shall forget the taste of your sweetness
i shall embrace the cold and forget the warm arms that surround me
i shall hold my own hands in times of fright and not look for yours

i shall do all these for i have moved on.
for i have learned to smile without you.

halaga

aanhin ko ang kaligayahan kung wala namang pagmamahal?

kalungkutan

kalungkutan, bakit kailangan na ang kabaligtaran mo ay kasiyahan?
bakit kinakailangan na madilim at masalimuot ang pagkakalarawan sa iyo?

sa tuwing naaalala ko ang aking pag-iisa sa larangan ng pag-ibig ay dumadalaw ka. o kaya naman, kapag ako lang ang nandito sa bahay at nakatunganga ay bigla kang sumusulpot.

sa tuwing naglalakad ako sa ilalim ng itim na langit, sinasamahan mo ako't sinasabayan sa aking bawat paghakbang. at biglang papatak ang luha ng kalangitan, na wari ba'y nakikiramay sa ating dalawa. ilalabas ko naman ang payong ko't pasususukubin kita...

sa aking pagtulog sa gabi, tatayo ka sa may gilid ng aking kama. bago ko patayin ang ilaw ko'y tititigan mo ako't paluluhain. hihintayin mo ang aking pagtahan, ang aking pagtulog habang umiiyak ay hihintayin mo ng buong pasensya. tsaka ka lamang maglalaho kapag ako'y payapa na't mahimbing na natutulog sa aking kama.

lumilipas ang araw sa magkakasunod na mga gawaing nakasanayan, nagiging patay ang pakiramdam ngunit isa ang namumukod tanging natitira, ang kalungkutan.

tinatanggalan mo ng kinang ang aking mga matang husto kong pinasasaya ng dahil sa mababaw na kaligayahan. pinahihina mo ang mga malalakas na halakhak na nagmumula sa akin. pinababagal mo ang tibok ng aking puso. pinapapait mo ang aking pagkatao.

hinahayaan na lang kita. dahil alam kong minsan ka lamang naman nagiging laman ng aking pagkatao. minsan ka lamang magpapakasaya sa pananatili sa aking anino.
nasasa akin pa rin ang desisyon kung palalayasin kita o pananatilihin sa aking pagkatao.

ayokong manatili ka sa aking pagkatao. ayoko.

i've been dying everyday since then

says the resonating lyrics of urbandub.

my life is a bit paradoxical. strange in context.
i know i should lament and think of what had happened. but, i smile all the time.
for i know i shouldn't be bitter. and no wounds should tarnish my sunny disposition.

it ended with a smile and continues with it then.
we're friends.

i wake up and appreciate every little thing that happens around me. beautiful things.
the days start with the buttery shine of the sun, with a slight blanket of fog.
it ends with the bittersweet rain, that drenches our sadness from within - which leaves us refreshed and relieved.
oh how i love living everyday...

Ang paggunita sa multo ng nakalipas

Online ako. Naghahanap ng mga bagong taong makakausap.
Nang makita ko ang profile mo na sumipot kung saan.

Ikaw.
Na may maamong mukha. Nakakapasong mga tingin at nakakatakam na mga labi.
Ikaw.
Na may matatamis na ngiti at nakakahawang mga tawa.
Ikaw.
Na kauna-unahan kong minahal ng tapat.
Ikaw.
Ay kahapon na.

Halos gawin kong kanto ang Olongapo para sa'yo.
Halos ipahamak ko ang sarili ko para sa'yo.
Pero nauwi lang sa wala.
Nakakatawang mga alaala.

Isa ka na lamang multo sa aking nakaraan.

Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat, nagpapasalamat ako sa iyo.
Pinatapang ako ng mga nasawing pangako mo.
Pinaharap sa kinabukasang may pag-asa para sa totoong pagmamahal.
Pinangiti sa kabila ng pagpapaluha.
Tinatanaw ko iyong malaking utang na loob sa iyo. Salamat.

kasalanan

Hindi ko alam kung bakit humaling na humaling ako sa pakikipag-usap ko sa'yo.
Mayroong mga ngiting namumutawi sa aking mga labi kapag kinakausap kita.
Nadadala kasi ako sa lambot ng iyong mga salita, at pagkamalumanay mong pagkikipagkwentuhan sa akin. Pinapagaan mo ang pakiramdam ko.
Para kasing napakabait mong tao, inosente. Wala kang inaalala sa buhay. Malalahanin ka pa.
Ewan ko ba, patay na patay din ako sa'yo.

Kapag nagtetext ka, hindi ko alam kung anong espirito ang sumasanib sa akin at parang tuwang-tuwa ako.
Kapag nakikita ko ang larawan mo, wala akong nagagawa kundi pagmasdan ang bawat linyang bumubuo sa hubog ng iyong mukha at katawan. Napapatunganga na lamang ako.

Ngunit mali, mali ang mga ginagawa kong 'yon.
Hindi kita dapat binibigyan ng espesyal na pagtingin.
Kailangan kong baguhin ang pagtingin ko sa iyo, baka tuluyan akong mapaibig sa iyo at masira ang kung ano mang mayroon tayo ngayon.

Kaibigan lang kita. Kaibigan.

Sapagkat, taliwas ang umibig sa isang kaibigan habang mayroon pa akong minamahal.
Ito'y isang kasalanan.

dot dot dot...

i have been so out of the blog scene. that composing new blogs seemed to be a hard and painstaking activity now. i hate this feeling. i should've at least tried blogging as soon as i arrive home from school, though i'm really exhausted from all the days lectures and lessons. and consider the fact that i go back and forth from here (tagaytay city) to manila, to attend school. i'm used to that kind of setting, it's just that my travel is eating up a lot of time. 6 hours is the least number of my elapsed transport. imagine what i can do with 6 hours. ugh. why not rent a place then? my parents doesn't want me to rent, or to stay in manila anymore. because they were fed up with me renting a place and end up going home everyday anyway. so now they're punishing me for that.

excuses, excuses, excuses. they're all lame.

boy, all i know is that i'm slowly sinking into depression again.

though it made me realize that, no matter how agonizing these difficulties i'm into now - it is more painful than my everyday consumption of cigarettes. it made me quit. it has become my motivation.

my mind is messed up right now.

happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

obtw, i'm glad that blogger is now in Tagalog/Pilipino.

bitter melon

and who would have thought that i'd be thinking of that 'issue' once again? i so blame you for bringing up this bitter moment. i really hate you.

i thought that i've already moved on from what had happened between us. but i guess being bitter is a part of moving on. if i face and admit the fact that i am bitter with what had happened, then i know that i'd be moving on from that and that point onwards. it's only times like these that i would have chosen to escape from the reality that have passed - times when i have been reminded of you and what you had done.

bitter moments would just serve as a reminder.
then i would just probably brush it off and smile once again.

though, i'd still remain as particles to your unreachable universe.
bit by bit, i'd revolve and be a planet to surround someone else's sun.

i'm a loser

i feel so left out.
i've never been this far away from myself and from my friends.