The Need To Be Alone

They say that no man is an island, but I say that a man should at least know how to be alone.

A man should at least know how to separate himself from the world that he has been used to, perhaps to spend time alone - to think of himself, his problems and its resolutions, and on how he affects other people through his influence. A man needs to isolate himself from time to time, to concentrate.

As with what general psychology says, we need to be alone sometimes, and with his time being alone he can do introspection -  a reflection of himself.

We all have friends to accompany us with our everyday life, but it is once that we ask for time for ourselves. Our friends should understand that we need to separate ourselves from them too, and this is a mature and healthy act of assessing one's social interaction with the environment that he has been living in. This would mean having and reassessing one's judgements towards other people, setting aside the views and opinions of friends. After coming to a realization towards something, we should then meet halfway with our friend's point of views. Our independent decisions are beneficial for our relationships with the people around us; having time to think about our issues with our peers, our relationship with our parents, our work or academic behavior and attitude, our relationship with our significant other - these are some of the things that we need to spend time with ourselves. We need reflection. Our judgements should not be hurried, we should give time for ourselves to think and decide.

I have been experiencing a dilemma. I have long been wanting to spend time with myself, to think and to muse about the things that have been going on with my life, with my relationships with my peers, my relationship with my parents and my relationship with myself.

I wanted to distance myself from my friends because I need to set my own opinion on the issues that have been going on with us, with other people. For once, I just wanted to think of myself. I didn't mean to be selfish or anything and I don't hate them either, I just need to have a break from them. I have been spending so much time being with them that I felt like being dazed with my own judgments and depend on how they would act, and I know that this is turning out to be unhealthy.

I wanted to fix my relationship with my parents too, they can't understand my hardships at school anymore. They always question me why I always come home late. The availability of my major subjects are only during the evening. I want to talk to them, I'm just setting myself to be in confrontation with them.

I am losing myself lately. I feel numb. I am void of emotions. No, I'm not really losing my emotions lately, it's just that I feel like not showing my emotions towards issues. I pity myself whenever my boyfriend and I talk about our relationship, whenever we have problems to resolve - it just seems that I am not showing my exact emotion for that situation, but I do have the empathy to understand my boyfriend and whatever situation that we have for that very moment. I am just not myself anymore.

I have lost myself from the rush of things during the previous activity that we have from our major subject last semester. So many things have passed and so many things have happened that I have lost track of everything - and that includes myself.

I haven't spent any time with myself lately. I have been used to being solo - with being solitary before I met my friends, just like how my boyfriend before. That is why I understand what he means that he wants to go solo again -  to spend time with himself and his need to be alone.

This time, I would pause and think of the things that have been going on around me. I need time to be alone.

nahihilo. nalilito.

isang maganda at bonggang-bonggang atake ng migraine ang gumising sa utak ko.

naisip ko, masyado akong nagpapakabusy at nagpapakapagod sa mga gawain sa iskwelahan. hindi ko na nabibigyang pansin ang panahon para sa aking sarilli.

ano nga ba'ng pinagkakaabalahan ko sa iskwelahan?
yung advertising principles and production subject ko lang naman, isa sa mga major subjects na kinukuha ko ngayong semestre. enjoy na enjoy ako masyado. lider-lideran ang role ko, pero hindi ko ginustong maging pinuno. wala lang magmamando ng grupo kung pare-pareho kaming tulala. kasama ko naman yung kaibigan ko sa grupo, kami yung nag-iinitiate ng mga ideya at mga konsepto. itinuturing ko namang lider ang lahat ng aking mga kagrupo.

napasama kasi kami sa top 12 sa nakaraang case nung prelims, bale pang-apat kami. kaya todo-todo ang preparasyon. pinepressure kami nung propesor namin, mataas ang expectations nya sa grupo namin.

pero may isyu sa likod ng lahat ng ito...

may mga bulong-bulungan na kaya lang daw kami nakasama (kasi halos lahat kaming magkakabarkada) sa top 12 ay dahil sa kakilala at kalapit namin yung propesor namin. MALI!
pero alam ng propesor namin ang isyung ito, naikwento kasi namin sa kanya. ang sabi lang nya, "may magagawa ba sila kung talaga namang magaling kayo? eh kung paborito ko kayo eh di dapat sunod-sunod kayo sa top 4. pero hindi eh."

naaapektuhan lang ako ng mga ganitong isyu. hindi naman namin ginusto ang ganun.
kapag papasok kami sa sillid, nananahimik ang lahat hanggang sa makaupo kami ng barkada ko. lalo na yung isang grupo dun na sobrang insecure ata sa amin. ganun na nga siguro, naiinsecure lang siguro sila. baka naman bitter lang sila. kung ano man yun, hayaan ko na lang.

isipin na lang namin na compliment yun, sabi nga yung isang kaibigan ko. ayaw lang namin talagang maapektuhan, kaya babaligtarin na lang namin ang pangkahulugan ng gusto nilang mangyari. mainggit sila kung maiinggit sila. basta ba malampasan nila ang kaya naming gawin.

hindi ako nagmamayabang o kung ano man. naiinis lang ako na hindi nila kayang lumaban ng patas, at kailangan pa nilang manghila pababa ng isang tao. ayoko talaga ng ganun.

kebskebs na lang siguro. keber.
ngiti na lang.

kailangan ko lang sigurong huminga. huminga ng sobrang lalim para mas maging maaliwalas ang buhay ko. pero papano ka ba naman makakahinga kung kokontrahin lang ng pag-ubo ang maayos kong pag-hinga? nakakainis kasi may ubo pa rin ako ngayon. nayayamot ako sa pabago-bagong klima. pero keri lang. hihinga pa rin ako. kailangan ko pa din ng kaunti pang espasyo para sa sarili ko.

ikaw? kumusta naman ang buhay mo?

argh

i effin hate it when you hear people declare themselves of something that they are not.
i get extremely pissed and intimidated by their audacity and arrogance.

"hey i'm sikat."
"hey i used to be this and that."

but yeah... hey, you know what? you're such a loser.

ang propelya kong psycho

salamat kay Tina sa word na propelya.

ang gwapo kong propesor sa social psychology ay maikli ang pasensya. hindi bagay sa kanya ang maging propesor. sana naging sikolohistang klinikal na lamang siya.

nagalit kasi sya dun sa isa naming kaklase. tapos pinahiya nya pa.

he is obviously unprofessional when it comes to teaching, and it shows.
he should've talked to that classmate of ours after dismissal and not point fingers to tell the whole class that, "ang kapal kapal ng mukha mo!"

i don't really like him at all after what had happened.

this joke is so wicked you'd be offended

so when that joke about trisexual came...
"i'm trisexual, i would try anything sexual..." (sleazy i know!)

i thought, what about bisexuals?
"i'm bisexual, and i would buy anything sexual!" (that's sleaz-ier!)

i have nothing against bisexuals. i mean these guys go both ways, they do it with boys, they do it with girls. and that's how they are.

but when people pretend to be bisexuals to conceal themselves and lock themselves from the truth, then that's a different story.
these so-called 'bisexuals' are only interested with one thing... men. so, they shouldn't consider themselves bisexuals right? though they have this other consideration, a change of plan, when they get tired of being (rather playing) with men, they fly off to marry a woman. i find it really disturbing.
then there's this type of 'bisexual' who considers his past, past, past relationships with women. who now regularly dates men, and plans their future with them. still, they call themselves 'bisexuals'. odd.

whatever stupid movement this is in the Philippines, on replacing homosexuality with coining it or giving it an alias of bisexuality is preposterous. they may be the same, but they are entirely different.

these people who 'labels' themselves of such false sexual preference makes themselves look stupid.

mang-aagaw

unti-unting lumalayo ang loob mo. nawawala ang init ng pag-ibig na dati'y nagliliyab sa ating mga dibdib.

natanggap ka sa trabaho. dali-dali kang naghanap ng trabaho para mayroong panggastos para sa araw-araw mong pamumuhay. ginawa mo ito para makaipon at bago kumuha ng board exam para sa nursing.
ilang linggo din tayong hindi nakapag-usap dahil sinangla mo ang telefono mo, wala ka nang pangtustos dahil hindi ka sinusuportahan ng mga magulang mo.

sa panahong hindi tayo nakapag-usap. unti-unti ay nababawasan ang pagmamahal mo sa akin. nabaling ito sa kasamahan mo sa trabaho.

nakapagdiwang pa tayo ng ika-walong buwan natin ng pagsasama bilang magkasintahan. kinabukasan ay isiniwalat mo sa akin ang panliligaw ng iyong kasamahan sa trabaho at ang pagkawala ng iyong pag-ibig sa akin.

nagulat ako sa mga nalaman ko, sumugod ako sa iyong pinagtatrabahuhan, at doon hinintay kita kasabay ng iyong bagong kasintahan sa pag-uwi.
dinalhan kita ng mainit na kape na nasa malaking papel na baso. dinalhan din kita ng cake para sa naunsyaming pagkikita noong pagdiriwang ng ating ika-walong pagsasama.
tahimik akong nakaupo sa lobby ng inyong opisina nang makita ko ang inyong paglapit. tumayo ako at binati kita.

"kumusta? hindi mo ako inaasahan dito ano? sino yang katabi mo?"
"ah... eh... si... officemate ko nga pala."
"ah. okay. hello officemate!"
sya pala ang umagaw sa aking pinakamamahal...
dahan dahan kong inilapit ang kamay kong may hawak ng mainit na kape at ipinangkaway, hindi ko napansin na maluwang pala ang takip nito. humagis ito sa damit ng ex-boyfriend ko at sa kasama nito. halatang napaso ang dalawa. mabuti nga sa inyo mga putang ina ninyo, sabi ko sa isip ko.
"ay! pasensya na! sorry, sorry!"
at sumunod na nahulog ang cake sa kanilang mga sapatos dahil sa pagkabigla.
"hala! naku, sorry..."

tawang-tawa ako sa pangyayari. hindi ko aakalain na makikiayon sa akin ang tadhana.
sa totoo lang ay gustong-gusto kong sakalin hanggang sa mamatay ang dalawang yun.

iyon na siguro ang ganti para sa kawalanghiyaang ginawa sa akin ng mga gagong yun.

bakit nga ba hindi nanatili sa akin ang aking pinakamamahal? sinasabi nyang mahal nya ako pero parang nung mga panahong nagkatrabaho siya hanggang sa panahon na nagkawalay kami ay nabawasan ang kanyang pagtingin sa akin? samantalang medyo maayos pa naman kami nung kami ay magkita ilang linggo bago itong pangyayaring ito.
sinasabi nya na may mga pagkukulang ako sa kanya. ganuon din naman ang iniisip ko.
sinusubukan ko namang punan ang lahat ng aking pagkukulang sa kanya, ngunit sadyang kulang lang talaga ito para sa kanya.

sinamantala nung kaopisina niya ang kahinaan ng aking ex-boyfriend. kahit na alam nitong mayroon na syang kasintahan ay pilit pa rin ang panunuyo nito sa kanya. alam ito ng mga taong nakapaligid sa kanila. bakit ba naman sukat na patulan nitong ex-boyfriend ko ang gagong yun. sinasabihan naman ni ex-boyfriend na layuan sya nito pero hindi, nagpupumilit pa rin ang ulol.
oportunista ang mga taong kagaya nito, alam nilang mahina ang isang tao, nangugulila... pagkatapos ay pakikitaan ng magandang loob.

pinapili ko si ex-boyfriend. pero sinabi ko na din na mas makakabuti sa kanya kung sa kaopisina na sya sumama. dahil, mas may oras silang magsama kaysa sa amin, nagkikita sila parati. yun lang. mukha namang masaya si ex-boyfriend sa piling ng kanyang mang-aagaw na kaopisina.
sobrang wala lang talaga sigurong etiks at puso yung taong yun.

ewan ko na lang, pero hindi ko naman intensyon na maging mapait ang lahat ng aking nasusulat. hindi ko hangarin na maging ampalaya.
itong paglalahad na ito ay may halong fiction. huwag paniwalaan ang kabuuan.

meanie

bakit may mga nilalang na ubod ng gaganda't gwapo?
pero hindi mo naman mawari kung 'san huhugutin ang talino.

dot dot dot...

i have been so out of the blog scene. that composing new blogs seemed to be a hard and painstaking activity now. i hate this feeling. i should've at least tried blogging as soon as i arrive home from school, though i'm really exhausted from all the days lectures and lessons. and consider the fact that i go back and forth from here (tagaytay city) to manila, to attend school. i'm used to that kind of setting, it's just that my travel is eating up a lot of time. 6 hours is the least number of my elapsed transport. imagine what i can do with 6 hours. ugh. why not rent a place then? my parents doesn't want me to rent, or to stay in manila anymore. because they were fed up with me renting a place and end up going home everyday anyway. so now they're punishing me for that.

excuses, excuses, excuses. they're all lame.

boy, all i know is that i'm slowly sinking into depression again.

though it made me realize that, no matter how agonizing these difficulties i'm into now - it is more painful than my everyday consumption of cigarettes. it made me quit. it has become my motivation.

my mind is messed up right now.

happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

obtw, i'm glad that blogger is now in Tagalog/Pilipino.

migraine?

gawd. my head was splitting apart last night.
it was really painful. i was nauseous.
i become photosensitive whenever i get these headaches.
so, i can't read the sms on my mobile, i can't stay up all night to read.
it was hell.

do you really think that...

oh. you're not really that interesting.
you just have the face. you have no brains at all.
you're just a face.

how i wish that real interesting people would have the guts to show and prove to others that they are far more than how they look. that their brains are more glamorous than the facades that they flaunt to people.
who am i to even judge them for how they are anyway? i can't change people for who they are, and for who they have become. I'll just let these people be. all i can do is hope, that one day they will come to realize that nothing is more important than the knowledge and wisdom of the ages.

wait.

who am i to talk about this rubbish? for i am a fool myself.

inggitero

maraming inggitero sa mundong ito.
ang pinakamainam mong gawin ay magpasawalang bahala at huwag magpaapekto.

break

is this it? after a day and 2 months of being together, you want us to part ways? this is just so fuckin sweet man. after our 2nd month celebration, you want us to forget all about our relationship?
no, i'm not giving up on you. your grounds for terminating this relationship is null. lame. don't tell me that you're that frail of a person to give up on me just like that...

piss

i find it really stupid when people ask me if the pictures on my profile is really me. when there are 99 photos in that profile. and 99 of those are mostly solo pictures of me.
dumb.

men, head, d*cks.

so many men,
so little brains,
so big a dick.

so big a dick. either they're such dickheads, or they just have nothing in mind except sex.
i understand that man is a sexual being. but it doesn't mean that you have to be preoccupied with sexual thoughts and fantasies all the time.