tired

i’m tired of wearing this mask. trying to fool whoever asks of my disposition.

if you’d ask why i have to do this, i would say straight to your face that i am doing this because i want to show them how strong i am. i want to tell you and them that i know how to handle myself, my issues, my problems.

i am doing this because i want to prove to you that i can be man enough to face the wrecking ball of depression and desolation that would crumble me to pieces. i want you to see how i’m keeping myself together. how i’m holding on to the people around me and myself.

i am on the verge of breaking down, i am at the point of turning into one depressed soul.

i’m tired, but i wanted to keep this within me. i have to.

iwkywimf. forever.

del.icio.us Tags: hurt,pain,depression,alone

you and me

your love is all i have.

it gives me the strength to face the storms.

it is the sun that radiates my universe.

it is the moon that guides me when i am bewildered by my fears.

it is the water that drenches the roots of my being.

it is the air that keeps the fire between us burning.

my love is your love.

my love is yours forever.

del.icio.us Tags: love,smiles,inspiration

The Need To Be Alone

They say that no man is an island, but I say that a man should at least know how to be alone.

A man should at least know how to separate himself from the world that he has been used to, perhaps to spend time alone - to think of himself, his problems and its resolutions, and on how he affects other people through his influence. A man needs to isolate himself from time to time, to concentrate.

As with what general psychology says, we need to be alone sometimes, and with his time being alone he can do introspection -  a reflection of himself.

We all have friends to accompany us with our everyday life, but it is once that we ask for time for ourselves. Our friends should understand that we need to separate ourselves from them too, and this is a mature and healthy act of assessing one's social interaction with the environment that he has been living in. This would mean having and reassessing one's judgements towards other people, setting aside the views and opinions of friends. After coming to a realization towards something, we should then meet halfway with our friend's point of views. Our independent decisions are beneficial for our relationships with the people around us; having time to think about our issues with our peers, our relationship with our parents, our work or academic behavior and attitude, our relationship with our significant other - these are some of the things that we need to spend time with ourselves. We need reflection. Our judgements should not be hurried, we should give time for ourselves to think and decide.

I have been experiencing a dilemma. I have long been wanting to spend time with myself, to think and to muse about the things that have been going on with my life, with my relationships with my peers, my relationship with my parents and my relationship with myself.

I wanted to distance myself from my friends because I need to set my own opinion on the issues that have been going on with us, with other people. For once, I just wanted to think of myself. I didn't mean to be selfish or anything and I don't hate them either, I just need to have a break from them. I have been spending so much time being with them that I felt like being dazed with my own judgments and depend on how they would act, and I know that this is turning out to be unhealthy.

I wanted to fix my relationship with my parents too, they can't understand my hardships at school anymore. They always question me why I always come home late. The availability of my major subjects are only during the evening. I want to talk to them, I'm just setting myself to be in confrontation with them.

I am losing myself lately. I feel numb. I am void of emotions. No, I'm not really losing my emotions lately, it's just that I feel like not showing my emotions towards issues. I pity myself whenever my boyfriend and I talk about our relationship, whenever we have problems to resolve - it just seems that I am not showing my exact emotion for that situation, but I do have the empathy to understand my boyfriend and whatever situation that we have for that very moment. I am just not myself anymore.

I have lost myself from the rush of things during the previous activity that we have from our major subject last semester. So many things have passed and so many things have happened that I have lost track of everything - and that includes myself.

I haven't spent any time with myself lately. I have been used to being solo - with being solitary before I met my friends, just like how my boyfriend before. That is why I understand what he means that he wants to go solo again -  to spend time with himself and his need to be alone.

This time, I would pause and think of the things that have been going on around me. I need time to be alone.

A dream

I had a dream, it was about the man who saved me from danger.

There I was living in a strange city, in an apartment, and there I lived by myself.
I was wandering around the city and decided to pass by the apartment of a friend. But I seem to have lost my way around to my friend's house. There I was stuck in the outskirts of the city, where it has been rumored to have been guarded by a vicious panther. I didn't know what to do, I was lost! I am scared of the thought of being attacked by the panther.

I was about to turn around to look for another route, to escape that horrible part of the city, when a panther blocked my way. I yelled for help as loud as I could, I hoped that the people would hear me, but no one came. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a black racing car appeared. The car door opened and heard a voice saying, "get in, fast!" I hopped inside the car and shut the door, I stared at the window, looking at the mad panther that was about to attack me. I escaped.

I rested my head at the car seat, eager to see who have saved me from that danger, turned my head around to the driver and saw this guy. I sighed and blurted out, "what an angel." His face has this trace of innocence, yet attractive enough to stare at. His facial features were both soft and defined, like how angels are supposed to be. He was tall, well built and has skin as fair as snow.

Exhaustion overcame my senses, I wrapped my arms around him and felt his warmth; that made me relaxed and comforted. He responded by embracing me with his free arm as he continued driving. There I slept on his shoulders.

I woke up at his house, in his room. I looked for him and found him about to take a bath, I told him I had to go. He wanted me to stay, but I insisted that I had to hurry to meet up with a friend. He didn't say a word, he gave me a tight warm hug instead. I felt like melting from what he did.
He told me that his parents are up and I had to dodge them on my way out, he didn't want them to see me, he told me to go out of the house as quickly as I can; and so I did. I saw their helper, she was about to ask me who I was but I just ignored her. I passed by a mirror and saw that I was only wearing shirt and briefs! I heard his parents come out of the master bedroom, so I hurried my way out of their unit. I found a staircase and made my way up. I saw a small door and opened it, and to my surprise, it was my friend's house!
The End.

I don't want to sound so desperate but, I woke up sad after that dream. I was having another 'wishful thinking moment'. Is it wrong to hope for something like that to happen in real life? - to have a man save you from solitude, to love you truthfully and unconditionally? Sigh.

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this is my first ever post from my notebook. ^_^ hooray for me and my notebook. ^_^

speak up

we. by all means, should learn how to speak up.
we should be able to tell people how we feel towards something that we believe in. we must tell them, with conviction, how we view things. we should learn how to express ourselves - our opinions, our views, our sentiments. we shouldn't keep ourselves from telling them what we think. we are all entitled after all of freedom of speech. we should delimit ourselves from just agreeing with what other people think. we should have our own point-of-view. we should have a certain involvement towards something, no matter how big or how small an issue it is. after all, we cannot just keep our mouths shut all the time and just nod with everything that others say.
but whatever it is that we say, we must stand for it.

to YOU, i am waiting for your defense toward this horrid incident that we got both entangled in. i cannot just ignore you forever. please do speak up, and do not just blame me for causing you that burden, because, it was you who caused that in the first place. i need to hear from you. it is very bias if i and only i would defend anything.

i am just the bitter-est person you have ever read. cheers.

to smile without you

i leave upon you the shadow of our past
the unbearable baggage of infidelity
the shackles of regret that had kept me abound
i leave it upon you in exchange of my freedom

gone were the days of despair
gone were the days of distrust
for love had only remained only as a witness
to your secret rendezvous with materialism and lust

the unbroken agreement has been spoken
my universe will not revolve around you anymore
you will no longer give warmth to my frozen heart
and the sun will drift and nestle on a universe anew

until i no longer speak of your name
and i have no longer remembered the memories that we've built
for these are all burdens that had kept me coming back to you
i shall learn to smile without you

i shall swim against the currents of your being
i shall forget the taste of your sweetness
i shall embrace the cold and forget the warm arms that surround me
i shall hold my own hands in times of fright and not look for yours

i shall do all these for i have moved on.
for i have learned to smile without you.

masikip ang dibdib ko

bakit ganun? akala ko ba okay na ako.

tapos nung malaman ko na may mga lumiligaw na sa ex ko eh bigla akong may naramdamang mahapdi. selos ba yun? pero bakit? ibig sabihin ba nun eh hindi pa ako tuluyang nakakalimot sa kanya?

bigla na lang sumikip at sumakit ang dibdib ko nung sinabi nya yun.

nangyari na din 'tong ganitong pakiramdam nung nakita ko yung isang isa ko pang dati kong kasintahan na may kalandiang iba.

bakit ganun?

kalimutan ko na nga lang...

kalungkutan

kalungkutan, bakit kailangan na ang kabaligtaran mo ay kasiyahan?
bakit kinakailangan na madilim at masalimuot ang pagkakalarawan sa iyo?

sa tuwing naaalala ko ang aking pag-iisa sa larangan ng pag-ibig ay dumadalaw ka. o kaya naman, kapag ako lang ang nandito sa bahay at nakatunganga ay bigla kang sumusulpot.

sa tuwing naglalakad ako sa ilalim ng itim na langit, sinasamahan mo ako't sinasabayan sa aking bawat paghakbang. at biglang papatak ang luha ng kalangitan, na wari ba'y nakikiramay sa ating dalawa. ilalabas ko naman ang payong ko't pasususukubin kita...

sa aking pagtulog sa gabi, tatayo ka sa may gilid ng aking kama. bago ko patayin ang ilaw ko'y tititigan mo ako't paluluhain. hihintayin mo ang aking pagtahan, ang aking pagtulog habang umiiyak ay hihintayin mo ng buong pasensya. tsaka ka lamang maglalaho kapag ako'y payapa na't mahimbing na natutulog sa aking kama.

lumilipas ang araw sa magkakasunod na mga gawaing nakasanayan, nagiging patay ang pakiramdam ngunit isa ang namumukod tanging natitira, ang kalungkutan.

tinatanggalan mo ng kinang ang aking mga matang husto kong pinasasaya ng dahil sa mababaw na kaligayahan. pinahihina mo ang mga malalakas na halakhak na nagmumula sa akin. pinababagal mo ang tibok ng aking puso. pinapapait mo ang aking pagkatao.

hinahayaan na lang kita. dahil alam kong minsan ka lamang naman nagiging laman ng aking pagkatao. minsan ka lamang magpapakasaya sa pananatili sa aking anino.
nasasa akin pa rin ang desisyon kung palalayasin kita o pananatilihin sa aking pagkatao.

ayokong manatili ka sa aking pagkatao. ayoko.