The Need To Be Alone

They say that no man is an island, but I say that a man should at least know how to be alone.

A man should at least know how to separate himself from the world that he has been used to, perhaps to spend time alone - to think of himself, his problems and its resolutions, and on how he affects other people through his influence. A man needs to isolate himself from time to time, to concentrate.

As with what general psychology says, we need to be alone sometimes, and with his time being alone he can do introspection -  a reflection of himself.

We all have friends to accompany us with our everyday life, but it is once that we ask for time for ourselves. Our friends should understand that we need to separate ourselves from them too, and this is a mature and healthy act of assessing one's social interaction with the environment that he has been living in. This would mean having and reassessing one's judgements towards other people, setting aside the views and opinions of friends. After coming to a realization towards something, we should then meet halfway with our friend's point of views. Our independent decisions are beneficial for our relationships with the people around us; having time to think about our issues with our peers, our relationship with our parents, our work or academic behavior and attitude, our relationship with our significant other - these are some of the things that we need to spend time with ourselves. We need reflection. Our judgements should not be hurried, we should give time for ourselves to think and decide.

I have been experiencing a dilemma. I have long been wanting to spend time with myself, to think and to muse about the things that have been going on with my life, with my relationships with my peers, my relationship with my parents and my relationship with myself.

I wanted to distance myself from my friends because I need to set my own opinion on the issues that have been going on with us, with other people. For once, I just wanted to think of myself. I didn't mean to be selfish or anything and I don't hate them either, I just need to have a break from them. I have been spending so much time being with them that I felt like being dazed with my own judgments and depend on how they would act, and I know that this is turning out to be unhealthy.

I wanted to fix my relationship with my parents too, they can't understand my hardships at school anymore. They always question me why I always come home late. The availability of my major subjects are only during the evening. I want to talk to them, I'm just setting myself to be in confrontation with them.

I am losing myself lately. I feel numb. I am void of emotions. No, I'm not really losing my emotions lately, it's just that I feel like not showing my emotions towards issues. I pity myself whenever my boyfriend and I talk about our relationship, whenever we have problems to resolve - it just seems that I am not showing my exact emotion for that situation, but I do have the empathy to understand my boyfriend and whatever situation that we have for that very moment. I am just not myself anymore.

I have lost myself from the rush of things during the previous activity that we have from our major subject last semester. So many things have passed and so many things have happened that I have lost track of everything - and that includes myself.

I haven't spent any time with myself lately. I have been used to being solo - with being solitary before I met my friends, just like how my boyfriend before. That is why I understand what he means that he wants to go solo again -  to spend time with himself and his need to be alone.

This time, I would pause and think of the things that have been going on around me. I need time to be alone.

if you were to describe happiness in one word how would you describe it?

sunshine. happiness is like sunshine.

but what if it rained? then you wouldn't be happy then?

no. i'd still be happy, because behind that cloud of rain there is still sunshine.

happiness is sunshine. we should learn how to be resilient like sunshine-that despite heavy rains and storms, the sun will continuously emerge to give warmth to everything and everyone.

happiness is not just about contentment, or maybe it is. for resilience of the human spirit makes one optimistic, and this optimism creates contentment.

nahihilo. nalilito.

isang maganda at bonggang-bonggang atake ng migraine ang gumising sa utak ko.

naisip ko, masyado akong nagpapakabusy at nagpapakapagod sa mga gawain sa iskwelahan. hindi ko na nabibigyang pansin ang panahon para sa aking sarilli.

ano nga ba'ng pinagkakaabalahan ko sa iskwelahan?
yung advertising principles and production subject ko lang naman, isa sa mga major subjects na kinukuha ko ngayong semestre. enjoy na enjoy ako masyado. lider-lideran ang role ko, pero hindi ko ginustong maging pinuno. wala lang magmamando ng grupo kung pare-pareho kaming tulala. kasama ko naman yung kaibigan ko sa grupo, kami yung nag-iinitiate ng mga ideya at mga konsepto. itinuturing ko namang lider ang lahat ng aking mga kagrupo.

napasama kasi kami sa top 12 sa nakaraang case nung prelims, bale pang-apat kami. kaya todo-todo ang preparasyon. pinepressure kami nung propesor namin, mataas ang expectations nya sa grupo namin.

pero may isyu sa likod ng lahat ng ito...

may mga bulong-bulungan na kaya lang daw kami nakasama (kasi halos lahat kaming magkakabarkada) sa top 12 ay dahil sa kakilala at kalapit namin yung propesor namin. MALI!
pero alam ng propesor namin ang isyung ito, naikwento kasi namin sa kanya. ang sabi lang nya, "may magagawa ba sila kung talaga namang magaling kayo? eh kung paborito ko kayo eh di dapat sunod-sunod kayo sa top 4. pero hindi eh."

naaapektuhan lang ako ng mga ganitong isyu. hindi naman namin ginusto ang ganun.
kapag papasok kami sa sillid, nananahimik ang lahat hanggang sa makaupo kami ng barkada ko. lalo na yung isang grupo dun na sobrang insecure ata sa amin. ganun na nga siguro, naiinsecure lang siguro sila. baka naman bitter lang sila. kung ano man yun, hayaan ko na lang.

isipin na lang namin na compliment yun, sabi nga yung isang kaibigan ko. ayaw lang namin talagang maapektuhan, kaya babaligtarin na lang namin ang pangkahulugan ng gusto nilang mangyari. mainggit sila kung maiinggit sila. basta ba malampasan nila ang kaya naming gawin.

hindi ako nagmamayabang o kung ano man. naiinis lang ako na hindi nila kayang lumaban ng patas, at kailangan pa nilang manghila pababa ng isang tao. ayoko talaga ng ganun.

kebskebs na lang siguro. keber.
ngiti na lang.

kailangan ko lang sigurong huminga. huminga ng sobrang lalim para mas maging maaliwalas ang buhay ko. pero papano ka ba naman makakahinga kung kokontrahin lang ng pag-ubo ang maayos kong pag-hinga? nakakainis kasi may ubo pa rin ako ngayon. nayayamot ako sa pabago-bagong klima. pero keri lang. hihinga pa rin ako. kailangan ko pa din ng kaunti pang espasyo para sa sarili ko.

ikaw? kumusta naman ang buhay mo?

argh

i effin hate it when you hear people declare themselves of something that they are not.
i get extremely pissed and intimidated by their audacity and arrogance.

"hey i'm sikat."
"hey i used to be this and that."

but yeah... hey, you know what? you're such a loser.

you're a prisoner

isn't it such a pity to see men being enslaved by sex?
it is these men that you'll find everywhere in the sleazy side of cyberspace.
you browse over their profile and all you can see is sex written all over it.
you don't always have to shout out to the whole world that you're horny.

i'm strongly against such display.
because sex is a private matter, and that nobody should kiss and tell.

it is a degradation of one's morality.

you can be sexual without posting such graphic display.
you can be sexual and subtle at the same time.

we are sexual beings.
but sometimes, we have to control ourselves, as to not get lost and be trapped in lust.

mang-aagaw

unti-unting lumalayo ang loob mo. nawawala ang init ng pag-ibig na dati'y nagliliyab sa ating mga dibdib.

natanggap ka sa trabaho. dali-dali kang naghanap ng trabaho para mayroong panggastos para sa araw-araw mong pamumuhay. ginawa mo ito para makaipon at bago kumuha ng board exam para sa nursing.
ilang linggo din tayong hindi nakapag-usap dahil sinangla mo ang telefono mo, wala ka nang pangtustos dahil hindi ka sinusuportahan ng mga magulang mo.

sa panahong hindi tayo nakapag-usap. unti-unti ay nababawasan ang pagmamahal mo sa akin. nabaling ito sa kasamahan mo sa trabaho.

nakapagdiwang pa tayo ng ika-walong buwan natin ng pagsasama bilang magkasintahan. kinabukasan ay isiniwalat mo sa akin ang panliligaw ng iyong kasamahan sa trabaho at ang pagkawala ng iyong pag-ibig sa akin.

nagulat ako sa mga nalaman ko, sumugod ako sa iyong pinagtatrabahuhan, at doon hinintay kita kasabay ng iyong bagong kasintahan sa pag-uwi.
dinalhan kita ng mainit na kape na nasa malaking papel na baso. dinalhan din kita ng cake para sa naunsyaming pagkikita noong pagdiriwang ng ating ika-walong pagsasama.
tahimik akong nakaupo sa lobby ng inyong opisina nang makita ko ang inyong paglapit. tumayo ako at binati kita.

"kumusta? hindi mo ako inaasahan dito ano? sino yang katabi mo?"
"ah... eh... si... officemate ko nga pala."
"ah. okay. hello officemate!"
sya pala ang umagaw sa aking pinakamamahal...
dahan dahan kong inilapit ang kamay kong may hawak ng mainit na kape at ipinangkaway, hindi ko napansin na maluwang pala ang takip nito. humagis ito sa damit ng ex-boyfriend ko at sa kasama nito. halatang napaso ang dalawa. mabuti nga sa inyo mga putang ina ninyo, sabi ko sa isip ko.
"ay! pasensya na! sorry, sorry!"
at sumunod na nahulog ang cake sa kanilang mga sapatos dahil sa pagkabigla.
"hala! naku, sorry..."

tawang-tawa ako sa pangyayari. hindi ko aakalain na makikiayon sa akin ang tadhana.
sa totoo lang ay gustong-gusto kong sakalin hanggang sa mamatay ang dalawang yun.

iyon na siguro ang ganti para sa kawalanghiyaang ginawa sa akin ng mga gagong yun.

bakit nga ba hindi nanatili sa akin ang aking pinakamamahal? sinasabi nyang mahal nya ako pero parang nung mga panahong nagkatrabaho siya hanggang sa panahon na nagkawalay kami ay nabawasan ang kanyang pagtingin sa akin? samantalang medyo maayos pa naman kami nung kami ay magkita ilang linggo bago itong pangyayaring ito.
sinasabi nya na may mga pagkukulang ako sa kanya. ganuon din naman ang iniisip ko.
sinusubukan ko namang punan ang lahat ng aking pagkukulang sa kanya, ngunit sadyang kulang lang talaga ito para sa kanya.

sinamantala nung kaopisina niya ang kahinaan ng aking ex-boyfriend. kahit na alam nitong mayroon na syang kasintahan ay pilit pa rin ang panunuyo nito sa kanya. alam ito ng mga taong nakapaligid sa kanila. bakit ba naman sukat na patulan nitong ex-boyfriend ko ang gagong yun. sinasabihan naman ni ex-boyfriend na layuan sya nito pero hindi, nagpupumilit pa rin ang ulol.
oportunista ang mga taong kagaya nito, alam nilang mahina ang isang tao, nangugulila... pagkatapos ay pakikitaan ng magandang loob.

pinapili ko si ex-boyfriend. pero sinabi ko na din na mas makakabuti sa kanya kung sa kaopisina na sya sumama. dahil, mas may oras silang magsama kaysa sa amin, nagkikita sila parati. yun lang. mukha namang masaya si ex-boyfriend sa piling ng kanyang mang-aagaw na kaopisina.
sobrang wala lang talaga sigurong etiks at puso yung taong yun.

ewan ko na lang, pero hindi ko naman intensyon na maging mapait ang lahat ng aking nasusulat. hindi ko hangarin na maging ampalaya.
itong paglalahad na ito ay may halong fiction. huwag paniwalaan ang kabuuan.

meanie

bakit may mga nilalang na ubod ng gaganda't gwapo?
pero hindi mo naman mawari kung 'san huhugutin ang talino.

Be Green

Today is Earth Day.

Everybody else wanted me to wear green. But I can't for the reason that I had to wear uniform to school. Yes, even on summer classes we wear our uniforms.
What significance is it if i wear green? It only serves as a reminder of the occasion that is "Earth Day". Not.
It would matter to us most if we do not commemorate Earth Day only once a year, but to keep it in our minds each and every waking moment of our lives.

We shouldn't just wear green, we should live and breathe green. We should all do our share if we want to have a sustainable future. Even though people say that it is inevitable, it is still our business to take care of our planet. We made all the mess, and we should clean them up on our own.

Fight the effects of global warming and sustain a greener future.
Reduce our carbon footprints. Avert for a more effective lifestyle.
Conserve energy.

Let us contribute to attain a healthy, sustainable environment that will serve both the children of our times and the future.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earth_day)
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carbon_footprint)
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Global_warming)
(http://www.worldwildlife.org/climate/involved/individuals.cfm)

back for summer!

Finally, after the sufferings that we had for the final exams, I finally have my time to blog! Yipee!!!

I'm really sorry for not having posted anything for the past months. I was so preoccupied with school. Enjoying every moment with classmates, friends and professors. I so love school!
Also, I haven't posted anything because I think I'm suffering from something (Yes, I'm making this up to pass as a lame excuse for not blogging.) Hahaha! Kidding! Yeah, I think I've had this writer's block? Is that what you call it? LOL. I dunno if i'm just making up words or what. See, I have a lot, and i mean A LOT of ideas for blog. It is just that, when I am to type things already, nothing would come out... I say, nothing! Plus, add the fact that I haven't got much time to go online.

Well, I hope that beginning today, I will be able to blog constantly. Say things, and share you stories.

I'll have a week break, and another week for enrollment. I'm attending summer classes. C'mon, I don't want to get stuck here at the house doing nothing! So, I'd rather just attend summer classes than be a couch potato. Well who knows? It might just help me lose weight, again. ^_^

love

love at first sight.
do you believe in such?

for all i know, it is just an illusion.
do you know why?

we are the ones who create the illusion of love at first sight.
we anticipate and think that we love that person already, when we haven't truly known that person entirely. because love doesn't happen in an instant. love doesn't happen overnight too. love grows.

an emotion like love is too complex to happen in just a snap. neither does it cause 'sparks' to fly.

gone

Gosh. It has been a while since I've last posted here, huh? And I thought I've told myself that I was to be consistent with writing and composing blogs. But then, I'm not always that full of stories to tell. School still keeps me busy, as usual. I've been dead tired everyday coming from school. It's midterm exams too. Promise, I'll be back. I've got drafts here waiting to be published. I so miss blogging, and I miss my blog friends.

second

This is the second day of the year.
I'm a bit 'stoned' as i'm typing this... LOL.
Nah. It's just the meds kickin' in. I've got colds, and i'm a bit drowsy.
Hmm. I did pretty much nothin here at home.
Oh, i cleaned the house, as always.
I was thinking of removing the tree and the decor. But, it's my tradition to at least remove the tree and Christmas decor on or a day before the Epiphany.
Gawd. am i really that domesticated, that I have to always tend to household chores?
I'm obsessing on tea lately. But nothing beats coffee, still.

I'm not always as sunny and giddy as you think...
I'm like the weather nowadays. Unpredictable.

I have a story to tell tomorrow... It is one helluva funny one.

mr. grinch

oh my. i feel like becoming the grinch now.
i've started to hate these 'caroling kids' here at our town. i'm not that stingy, i give them just the right amount of money. and all i ever wanted to hear is a nice old 'thank you' from them. but instead they sang to me... "thank you, thank you, ang babarat ninyo thank you!" gawd! talk about gratitude! well, all i could ever do is to smile and say to myself, "they're just kids, i don't have any right to yell at them or whatever." because if i scold them, i might cause some serious distress. traumatic. i don't want to harm those kids.

i'm starting to have colds, and man, i really hate being sick for the holidays. i just wish that i'd be better by tomorrow.

happy holidays everyone!

do you really think that...

oh. you're not really that interesting.
you just have the face. you have no brains at all.
you're just a face.

how i wish that real interesting people would have the guts to show and prove to others that they are far more than how they look. that their brains are more glamorous than the facades that they flaunt to people.
who am i to even judge them for how they are anyway? i can't change people for who they are, and for who they have become. I'll just let these people be. all i can do is hope, that one day they will come to realize that nothing is more important than the knowledge and wisdom of the ages.

wait.

who am i to talk about this rubbish? for i am a fool myself.

pre-Christmas thoughts

this blog is becoming boring...
so i thought to do more blogs.
i'd try to keep on logging accounts of my everyday life. and probably include photos and more colors here on my blog. i'd tell you crazy stories and keep you updated on whatever. i hope that you keep on reading my blog and at least have a peek on my crazy life. ^_^

Have a wonderful Christmas everyone!

inggitero

maraming inggitero sa mundong ito.
ang pinakamainam mong gawin ay magpasawalang bahala at huwag magpaapekto.

happy morning!

I woke up today with a smile on my face.
The sun shone brightly as I smell the morning air.
It was past 11ish in the morning when I woke up. This day seemed to be different. This day was one happy day.
Today is the feast of the Immaculate Conception, one of the most venerated celebration by the Catholic church. This is the day when Mary was concieved without sin.
Well, aside from that. I used our brand new bathroom! Yey! Uhm, it is not really brand new, we just had it fixed and everything. Had the tiles replaced, the bathroom fixtures, the works. I was so excited to take a bath, poop, piss, brush my teeth, and clean my face in it. Hahaha. Yeah, yeah, I know this is so corny. But forgive me, I so love our new bathroom now.
I cooked instant mac and cheese. The ones that come in a box. That was fun! ^_^
I cleaned the house. Polished everything up from table tops to kitchen floor. Though I was not able to finish everything. I still have to wash my clothes, organize my closet and other stuff.

Oh well, there still is tomorrow. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day than today. ^_^

Ah

I now understand what he meant by ''being cruel only to be kind.''
Those lines are from Shakespeare's Hamlet.
I just had that line impressed on my thoughts. Because someone told me that when I was in the midst of my craziness. He did that only to teach me something significant. With that, I have this newfound respect towards that person who told that to me - after a while of not really seeing the true meaning of those words.

happy

My significant other and I got through the conflict.
I spent my afternoon with him. We went shopping!!!
Hahaha.

pickpocket

Christmas is just around the corner. And so are those pickpockets.
I almost got victimized earlier in the evening.
I was on my way home from school, I headed to the bus station at Lawton. Not knowing that there was already a long agonizing line awaiting me. I immediately went to the nearest LRT (light rail transit) station as soon as I saw the fuckin line at the bus station. I decided to go to Pasay and take the ordinary bus heading to Cavite. The LRT central station is just a few walks away from the bus station. So I went there, got my pass and waited for the train. I boarded the train and got to my destination - at LRT Edsa. I crossed through Edsa via the walkway at Metropoint. So I hurried myself and went with the crowd. I walked as quickly as I could. As soon as I got in front of a motel, I felt that my bag got heavier than how it weighed before I went off the train. I quickly checked the side pocket of my bag and found that the zipper was half open! It wasn't open when I went off the train. I had in that pocket my 2 mobiles, my school ID, my coin purse and other stuff.
Luckily, none of my things had been taken. I just hopped into the bus and thanked that nothing bad happened to me.
God bless that pickpocket.