tired

i’m tired of wearing this mask. trying to fool whoever asks of my disposition.

if you’d ask why i have to do this, i would say straight to your face that i am doing this because i want to show them how strong i am. i want to tell you and them that i know how to handle myself, my issues, my problems.

i am doing this because i want to prove to you that i can be man enough to face the wrecking ball of depression and desolation that would crumble me to pieces. i want you to see how i’m keeping myself together. how i’m holding on to the people around me and myself.

i am on the verge of breaking down, i am at the point of turning into one depressed soul.

i’m tired, but i wanted to keep this within me. i have to.

iwkywimf. forever.

del.icio.us Tags: hurt,pain,depression,alone

emotionless

here i am, standing at my friends balcony, drinking vodka and smoking my nth cigarette. bitter, the cigarette tastes bitter.

i sit by the side and think of myself. blank. i can’t think of anything… they talked about their story for the short film project that they’ll be doing, and i never did go out to talk with them. i never had to share anything about the story of that short film, because i was not that important in that film. but i do know that i’ll have my own direction for this video for the official soundtrack of that film.

as i sat at the side, i thought about my reaction towards the things that are around me, i never had any reaction towards those things. i always had been quiet about issues, and probably that is why they never notice me. i never had been the outspoken kind of person, so my boyfriend thinks as i think of it myself.

i never had any reaction. i felt void. i felt emotionless.

i feel like i am becoming less human because i cannot express myself anymore. my boyfriend is so frigging tired of me being so quiet. he wants me to talk.

I WANT TO TALK.

i never wanted to disappoint him, on me being so quiet and so not reacting on the things happening around us, especially about us…

I AM EMOTIONLESS.

i never wanted to be like this. maybe i just do not want to associate myself with these issues that surround us, that surround my friends, that surround me.

it is wrong to be like this. i do want to express myself often, but i still feel so constricted. i feel caged up by these overlapping emotions that i am supposed to feel. i have had enough of being soft spoken. i hate being like that anymore.

i do not want to be EMOTIONLESS anymore. no more.

del.icio.us Tags: emotionless,alone,paranoid,self-pity

blocked

lately, i have been having trouble writing. you know the feeling of having so much thoughts of what to write, and suddenly when you face the monitor nothing comes out of your head? that, that’s what i have been experiencing lately. i do not want to have this kind of situation. is this some kind of a disease or something? i wouldn’t call it writer’s block – it’s too lame a word to call it that.

i do not want to have this kind of feeling right now. i have so much to do, so much stuff to write and i can’t let it out.

i have to write a script for this upcoming event for school. i have to write a prayer for the school administrators, for the foundation day and alumni homecoming. see, i have so much responsibilities to do.

i so hate this feeling right now.

him

his menacing look were as cold as the arctic glaciers. his languid eyes were fixated on me, watching every twitch that my muscle makes. every move i make is scrutinized, every shadow that my body makes is observed.
i did not know how to react, on whether i should smile or retain a blank face - void of any emotions; i was frozen.
suddenly, i noticed his hand being craned by his arms.
laid flat on the table, and slowly, inch by inch his hands were slithering like a wild snake over the grasslands of satin tablecloth.

nalaglag ang brip ko

ngarag akong pumasok sa eskwela ngayon. walang tulog at walang matinong kain. sumakit ang ulo ko, parang binibiyak ito sa gitna at wari bang sasabog ang utak ko. salamat sa prod namin kaya nagkakaganito kami, pero enjoy pa rin naman kahit papano. medyo sumasakit nga lang ang ulo namin ng dahil sa patayong kabaong na yan.

oh well papel. ayun nga, kumain muna kami pagkatapos nung essay namin. tutal, sobrang gutom na rin naman kami at medyo boring yung class na susunod - ang social psychology. ang boring kasi nung prof. lagi nga kaming nagpapalate dun kasi kumakain muna kami. wala po kasi kaming break kapag tth, tuloy-tuloy ang klase namin.

kaya dumeretso kami sa canteen, kumain ng sandamakmak na pagkain, kwentuhan ng saglit tapos diretso ng klase. isip-isip namin... "naku, eto na naman tayo sa boring na subject na ito..."

sumilip kami sa bintana, ibang prof yung nakita namin.
"dito ba tayo mga friends?"
"oo, dito tayo, ano ba. pero ba't iba yung prof?"

nahiya kaming pumasok sa aming silid. dali-daling umupo sa aming upuan at tumingala sa professor...

oh my god... ang gwapo-gwapo naman nitong prof natin mga friends...

"sir, kayo na po ba ang bago naming prof?"
"yes."
"sir... wag na kayo aalis ha..." sabay tawanan.

grabe, nalaglag talaga brip ng sangkabaklaan sa room kanina. pati mga babae sobrang laglag ang mga panga, halos sumayad na sa sahig. syempre, pati ako, instant crush ko na itong si sir. eh mas bata sa akin. at super may itsura sya ha.

ang saya, super landian galore kanina.
oh well, tuesday and thursday evenings will never be the same again. ^_^

i've been dying everyday since then

says the resonating lyrics of urbandub.

my life is a bit paradoxical. strange in context.
i know i should lament and think of what had happened. but, i smile all the time.
for i know i shouldn't be bitter. and no wounds should tarnish my sunny disposition.

it ended with a smile and continues with it then.
we're friends.

i wake up and appreciate every little thing that happens around me. beautiful things.
the days start with the buttery shine of the sun, with a slight blanket of fog.
it ends with the bittersweet rain, that drenches our sadness from within - which leaves us refreshed and relieved.
oh how i love living everyday...

joke

For me, life's ironies always turn out to be the greatest joke of all times.

I tend to laugh it off whenever I remember them.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Forget about the worries of the yesteryear.
Live the present to its fullest.
And always face tomorrow with a smile.

reality bites

Reality is cruel: it is never kind.
Because reality is the truth, and the truth always hurts.

you killed it

people say that chivalry is dead. and so i thought that it really is dead.
but then, i've realized that chivalry has been dead only for the people who killed it.