emotionless

here i am, standing at my friends balcony, drinking vodka and smoking my nth cigarette. bitter, the cigarette tastes bitter.

i sit by the side and think of myself. blank. i can’t think of anything… they talked about their story for the short film project that they’ll be doing, and i never did go out to talk with them. i never had to share anything about the story of that short film, because i was not that important in that film. but i do know that i’ll have my own direction for this video for the official soundtrack of that film.

as i sat at the side, i thought about my reaction towards the things that are around me, i never had any reaction towards those things. i always had been quiet about issues, and probably that is why they never notice me. i never had been the outspoken kind of person, so my boyfriend thinks as i think of it myself.

i never had any reaction. i felt void. i felt emotionless.

i feel like i am becoming less human because i cannot express myself anymore. my boyfriend is so frigging tired of me being so quiet. he wants me to talk.

I WANT TO TALK.

i never wanted to disappoint him, on me being so quiet and so not reacting on the things happening around us, especially about us…

I AM EMOTIONLESS.

i never wanted to be like this. maybe i just do not want to associate myself with these issues that surround us, that surround my friends, that surround me.

it is wrong to be like this. i do want to express myself often, but i still feel so constricted. i feel caged up by these overlapping emotions that i am supposed to feel. i have had enough of being soft spoken. i hate being like that anymore.

i do not want to be EMOTIONLESS anymore. no more.

del.icio.us Tags: emotionless,alone,paranoid,self-pity