tired

i’m tired of wearing this mask. trying to fool whoever asks of my disposition.

if you’d ask why i have to do this, i would say straight to your face that i am doing this because i want to show them how strong i am. i want to tell you and them that i know how to handle myself, my issues, my problems.

i am doing this because i want to prove to you that i can be man enough to face the wrecking ball of depression and desolation that would crumble me to pieces. i want you to see how i’m keeping myself together. how i’m holding on to the people around me and myself.

i am on the verge of breaking down, i am at the point of turning into one depressed soul.

i’m tired, but i wanted to keep this within me. i have to.

iwkywimf. forever.

del.icio.us Tags: hurt,pain,depression,alone

The Need To Be Alone

They say that no man is an island, but I say that a man should at least know how to be alone.

A man should at least know how to separate himself from the world that he has been used to, perhaps to spend time alone - to think of himself, his problems and its resolutions, and on how he affects other people through his influence. A man needs to isolate himself from time to time, to concentrate.

As with what general psychology says, we need to be alone sometimes, and with his time being alone he can do introspection -  a reflection of himself.

We all have friends to accompany us with our everyday life, but it is once that we ask for time for ourselves. Our friends should understand that we need to separate ourselves from them too, and this is a mature and healthy act of assessing one's social interaction with the environment that he has been living in. This would mean having and reassessing one's judgements towards other people, setting aside the views and opinions of friends. After coming to a realization towards something, we should then meet halfway with our friend's point of views. Our independent decisions are beneficial for our relationships with the people around us; having time to think about our issues with our peers, our relationship with our parents, our work or academic behavior and attitude, our relationship with our significant other - these are some of the things that we need to spend time with ourselves. We need reflection. Our judgements should not be hurried, we should give time for ourselves to think and decide.

I have been experiencing a dilemma. I have long been wanting to spend time with myself, to think and to muse about the things that have been going on with my life, with my relationships with my peers, my relationship with my parents and my relationship with myself.

I wanted to distance myself from my friends because I need to set my own opinion on the issues that have been going on with us, with other people. For once, I just wanted to think of myself. I didn't mean to be selfish or anything and I don't hate them either, I just need to have a break from them. I have been spending so much time being with them that I felt like being dazed with my own judgments and depend on how they would act, and I know that this is turning out to be unhealthy.

I wanted to fix my relationship with my parents too, they can't understand my hardships at school anymore. They always question me why I always come home late. The availability of my major subjects are only during the evening. I want to talk to them, I'm just setting myself to be in confrontation with them.

I am losing myself lately. I feel numb. I am void of emotions. No, I'm not really losing my emotions lately, it's just that I feel like not showing my emotions towards issues. I pity myself whenever my boyfriend and I talk about our relationship, whenever we have problems to resolve - it just seems that I am not showing my exact emotion for that situation, but I do have the empathy to understand my boyfriend and whatever situation that we have for that very moment. I am just not myself anymore.

I have lost myself from the rush of things during the previous activity that we have from our major subject last semester. So many things have passed and so many things have happened that I have lost track of everything - and that includes myself.

I haven't spent any time with myself lately. I have been used to being solo - with being solitary before I met my friends, just like how my boyfriend before. That is why I understand what he means that he wants to go solo again -  to spend time with himself and his need to be alone.

This time, I would pause and think of the things that have been going on around me. I need time to be alone.

to smile without you

i leave upon you the shadow of our past
the unbearable baggage of infidelity
the shackles of regret that had kept me abound
i leave it upon you in exchange of my freedom

gone were the days of despair
gone were the days of distrust
for love had only remained only as a witness
to your secret rendezvous with materialism and lust

the unbroken agreement has been spoken
my universe will not revolve around you anymore
you will no longer give warmth to my frozen heart
and the sun will drift and nestle on a universe anew

until i no longer speak of your name
and i have no longer remembered the memories that we've built
for these are all burdens that had kept me coming back to you
i shall learn to smile without you

i shall swim against the currents of your being
i shall forget the taste of your sweetness
i shall embrace the cold and forget the warm arms that surround me
i shall hold my own hands in times of fright and not look for yours

i shall do all these for i have moved on.
for i have learned to smile without you.

halaga

aanhin ko ang kaligayahan kung wala namang pagmamahal?

kalungkutan

kalungkutan, bakit kailangan na ang kabaligtaran mo ay kasiyahan?
bakit kinakailangan na madilim at masalimuot ang pagkakalarawan sa iyo?

sa tuwing naaalala ko ang aking pag-iisa sa larangan ng pag-ibig ay dumadalaw ka. o kaya naman, kapag ako lang ang nandito sa bahay at nakatunganga ay bigla kang sumusulpot.

sa tuwing naglalakad ako sa ilalim ng itim na langit, sinasamahan mo ako't sinasabayan sa aking bawat paghakbang. at biglang papatak ang luha ng kalangitan, na wari ba'y nakikiramay sa ating dalawa. ilalabas ko naman ang payong ko't pasususukubin kita...

sa aking pagtulog sa gabi, tatayo ka sa may gilid ng aking kama. bago ko patayin ang ilaw ko'y tititigan mo ako't paluluhain. hihintayin mo ang aking pagtahan, ang aking pagtulog habang umiiyak ay hihintayin mo ng buong pasensya. tsaka ka lamang maglalaho kapag ako'y payapa na't mahimbing na natutulog sa aking kama.

lumilipas ang araw sa magkakasunod na mga gawaing nakasanayan, nagiging patay ang pakiramdam ngunit isa ang namumukod tanging natitira, ang kalungkutan.

tinatanggalan mo ng kinang ang aking mga matang husto kong pinasasaya ng dahil sa mababaw na kaligayahan. pinahihina mo ang mga malalakas na halakhak na nagmumula sa akin. pinababagal mo ang tibok ng aking puso. pinapapait mo ang aking pagkatao.

hinahayaan na lang kita. dahil alam kong minsan ka lamang naman nagiging laman ng aking pagkatao. minsan ka lamang magpapakasaya sa pananatili sa aking anino.
nasasa akin pa rin ang desisyon kung palalayasin kita o pananatilihin sa aking pagkatao.

ayokong manatili ka sa aking pagkatao. ayoko.

i've been dying everyday since then

says the resonating lyrics of urbandub.

my life is a bit paradoxical. strange in context.
i know i should lament and think of what had happened. but, i smile all the time.
for i know i shouldn't be bitter. and no wounds should tarnish my sunny disposition.

it ended with a smile and continues with it then.
we're friends.

i wake up and appreciate every little thing that happens around me. beautiful things.
the days start with the buttery shine of the sun, with a slight blanket of fog.
it ends with the bittersweet rain, that drenches our sadness from within - which leaves us refreshed and relieved.
oh how i love living everyday...

interView

I'd like to say sorry for taking such long time to concieve this. I had to resolve personal issues. Thanks to my friends for some of the questions. Here it goes now. Random questions. Gawd. This is a bit funny. Hehehe.

(Interviewer Alter-ego): Ehem... Uhm, so, how are you now Niko Angelo?

(Niko Angelo): I'm doin great! I've recovered from all that bad stress that I've been. I've never felt this happy and contented with myself. School is keeping me busy.

IAE: Kewlness. School.

NA: C'mon man, like it's school! School's cool! Hahaha! (Gawd, i'm such a nerd.) Nah, I just like learning. I miss homeworks, recitations, exams, quizzes, eyeing cuties, bitchy classmates.

IAE: I see. so, do you have friends at school? Do you get to spend most of your time with them?

NA: Yeah, I got friends at school. But, I don't really get to spend much time with them. I mean, we have our own classes and other businesses to attend to. I'm a loner really. I'd rather spend time being alone. Though, I love spending time with my friends. talking with them over coffee, eat lunch or dine together, go to parties whenever we're free.

IAE: Loner eh? How so?

NA: Yeah, because by being alone, I can have more time to think and contemplate on the things that involves me and those around me. I think all the time I guess... I like silence at times. I like observing at things. I always have a "date" with myself - I've learned that from my professor. Hehe.

IAE: Hmm. Kewl. So, what are your other interests?

NA: I have a lot actually. Hmm... I'm into arts generally. Like architecture, literature (reading and writing), film, photography, music (singing to my own tune), dance. I do sketching, painting, and now dabbling into graphic arts. I like gardening, i'm into experimenting on cooking too, oh and i'm a bit of an internet junkie (yeah, just a bit.)...

IAE: By the way, you said that you like being alone, right?

NA: Right, yeah. But not really all the time.

IAE: Oh, okay. So, what about partners? Significant other? Boyfriend? Do you have one?

NA: Oh. Oh. Nah, I don't have one now. And I'm not rushing myself to find one. It's really hard to find someone who'd you spend time with, whom you'd share love with. It is hard to find really decent guys who would treat you well. So, it's giving me a bit of a hard time to choose who I'd want to be with. I do date frequently though, and I enjoy their company. We talk, get to know each other more. We watch movies, we eat, walk, talk more, coffee, talk more.

IAE: Name childhood habits that you never outgrew. (from southdude)

NA: Gawd. Hmm... I still tie my shoes in the same manner that i've tied them when I was a kid. Hmm... I still make mano to my parents when I leave the house. I still keep my pairs of shoes and slippers in order. I still have this certain partition in my closet - which clothes to wear for whatever. I still keep this notebook and sketchpad beside my bed. I sleep with my radio on. I always check the door locks 3 times before i finally leave the house. I'm fond of counting on fives.


IAE: I see. And, What do you think of relationships?

NA: What do I think of relationships? It's more than just sex and getting laid, of course. (chuckles) But seriously, all relationships should be of course mutual. And it has to have trust - one of the foundations of a real working relationship. It is a mutual agreement between two hearts and minds. I believe that, all love that would concern a relationship should be both conditional and unconditional. It is not to be bounded by distrust and doubts. Now, what do i think of gay relationships? I think that it would work, contrary to what most senior gay men have told me, assuming that you have the elements that is found in a real working relationship. Connection and communication is one of the important things in a relationship. Though we shouldn't always look at the bright side of whatever we have. We should also see through the difficulties that may come our way - think of it as a test of endurance between you two, and hand in hand through the storm you're gonna make it together.

IAE: Have you ever felt jaded with love or being in love?

NA: Yes, I have been through that over and over again. Every now and then, there comes this certain feeling of being tired of dating, meeting up with assholes (from which I have decided to sort of filter stupid, insensitive men), breaking hearts, broken hearts, making out, having casual sex. Because I was afraid of wallowing in my own misery after all those that have happened. I was wrong, experiencing all that has made me much stronger and wiser. I have learned so much from all the heartaches and pains that came my way. That all relationships would not always be how we dreamt or wanted it to be, that there are no perfect relationships. Some relationships end because we have to make sacrifices, and these choices aren't made instantly, we are doing it for the betterment of both persons involved. And that we wouldn't really want to hurt people by these pains. Oh, I don't know. I thought that I had given up on love before. Yet now here I am again, trying to make a fool out of myself with love. I don't know. Maybe that's the mystery of love, that there is something about it that makes you yearn for more. It somewhat empowers you to be a better lover than the past relationships that you have had. Now, I am taking risks once again, to find that almost near to perfection partner-to-be. Yes, I have indeed learned to take risks on people who are worth everything. It is the game of love, the unending need and capacity of humans to love and be loved.

IAE: If you found someone whom you knew is the one, but you're in a long-term relationship with someone else, would you love that person? yes/no, why? (from Paolo)

NA: Well, it really depends upon the situation. If that 'long-term relationship' is on the rocks, and conflicts would not end to further resolve - such as arguments between you two. Then I think that it would be time to let that person go. If I am not happy with my partner anymore, and he refuses to find ways to make me happy, then I'd say that I would probably take the risk on being with the "one", since he would probably have bigger chances of fulfilling the insufficiencies of the former partner. Knowing that I'd end up being more happy with him than the former then I'd prefer to be with the "one".
In the other hand, if I would struggle to keep that relationship with the present partner, then I'd just have that "one" as a close friend - bounded by the limitations and stands between lovers and friends. But if I refuse to keep the "one" and decided to just forget about him, then I'd do so. Because, if he really is the "one", then he'd still come back for me someday.

IAE: What is sex for you? How important is it?

NA: Sex, is one of the numerous expressions of love for someone. I consider sex sacred. For me, sex is a union between two souls, mind and heart - an integral part of a relationship. It sends us to a state of euphoria, it is heaven on earth. And by doing it with someone I truly love would make our partnership stronger - by satisfying his sexual desires, and by giving him more than just gratification. It's like you're giving him the utmost importance by giving yourself to him, and him to you. It is not just intercourse, it is an exchange of selves - it is an offering towards partners. But it shouldn't be the center of the relationship from which you two revolve, though it is an integral part of it. It is important because it is one of the bond that keeps couples together. Sex transcends a relationship in a way that it suffices each others sexual needs.

IAE: Does anybody know that you're gay?

NA: Well, my closest of friends know about me. They're really understanding about my sexuality. My family on the other hand, they kinda have this idea about me, since I haven't outed myself to them yet. Well because, I kind of have this feeling that they are not yet ready to accept me for who I really am. Though they already have an idea, they are sort of in denial about it. I'll tell them when I think that they are ready.

IAE: How did you found out that you were gay?

NA: I actually knew when I was just a child, that I was different from other (well, heterosexual) children. I knew that I was someone else, that I was somewhat special (special child?). But I still denied that fact and carried it through highschool when I tried to have relationship with girls. Until I stepped into college and learned more about homosexuality.

IAE: Do you really believe in bisexuality as a gender/sexual preference?

NA: Before, when I first learned about this, I thought I was one of what you would call as a bisexual, though, I realized now that it was just a phase for me. I believe that it is a sexual preference, but, it is just temporary. They either have to choose to go gay or be straight thereafter, but I think that they have a bigger probability of turning gay anyway. Oh, but I don't have anything against bisexuals eh, I respect them for who they are.

IAE: How did you manage to live such alternative lifestyle?

NA: Ever since my self-acceptance and end of my so-called "bisexuality phase", I thought all the while that being homosexual is just about sex (getting laid, meeting boys, having this shit and that shit), but it really is not about that at all. Promiscuity plays a role, but we should learn how to control and contain our urges and desires. There is a right time for everything. I post that as a challenge to my dear brothers and sisters; that there is more to life than just sex. I was welcomed at this homosexual world and got introduced to it in a wrong way. So what I did was to read, to talk to other gay men, and basically researching about who I really am.
I have learned so much with how I live this lifestyle, I had been enlightened, and still am continuing to learn each and everyday of my gay life. And I'm telling you, being gay has made me more human.

IAE: What is beauty for you? How would you define it?

NA: We, being the superficial and shallow beings as we can be sometimes, we tend to neglect real beauty. Most people would just judge other people with how they look physically. But this really isn't how we should see beauty. Real aesthetics goes beyond what we see at the facade. Truly, it is skin deep - and this has been my view of it for the longest time. Beauty is like an inner light/glow exuded by people. Real beauty is to be seen within the profundity of our being. It is both our character and our mind that makes us beautiful.

IAE: What do you like in a man?

NA: This isn't some 'set of standards' okay?
What I like in a man is that, when he cares so much about me. I really like it when a man is sensible enough - with the way he talks with me. I like men who thinks maturely, someone who acts maturely too. Someone who talks with sense, reasonable, someone who can handle a conversation. Someone who is comfortable with his sexuality. Optimistic men, I like them too - someone who can encourage you or enlighten you in times of difficulties and all that shitty stuff. I'm mushy, so I like guys who are sweet. As long as we keep this horizontal relationship between us, then that would be fine. Erk, I don't really want to elaborate much on what I like on a man, because each man varies. They all have different characters and personalities.

IAE: How do you see yourself 5 years from now?

NA: Hmm... Pro'lly have a stable job that is related to my course. Living pseudo independently. Still yearning for knowledge, so I'd prolly be studying for masters, or interior design, or multimedia arts, or photography. I like studying. I never wanna stop learning. And pro'lly work my ass off as I study. Haha.

i just want to sing

chasing cars
-snow patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

private party

tonight, we're going to a private party,
where my heart and i are the only guests.
we are going to bust our lungs out with cigarettes.
we are going to drown ourselves with alcohol.
we are going to dance the night away...
...until we pass out.

momentary joy

OMG! i've got my hands on the new icon unpublished01. syetness.
it was hawt! both enticing and provocative. superb representation of male artform.
i love it. swear. hihi. ^_^

hmm... i've strolled the mall this afternoon and i've seen new shirts!!! gawd. can't wait to purchase them...
hehehe. hmmm....

but, would you even believe that i'm sad right now? despite all the happy things that i've encountered, i still am sad.
the momentary joys just masked every little sad things that i'm feeling right now. i'm actually depressed... and i don't want to think about it at times. it would just make me cry...

only time

i dunno what is happening with me... i feel lonely all of a sudden...
all day i have seen and imagined, couples in love. i mean, me having a relationship. sharing intimate and romantic moments with someone special. the problem is... i'm still single.

a while ago. while watchin tv, i got tulala and imagined myself with someone. we were cuddling and sharing that happy moment, embraced in each others arms... i then noticed my eyes... they were starting to get filled with tears... i just wiped them off and say to myself, "silly you, stop being emotional niko angelo." but i just can't help it... i really feel lonely now...

all i need is true love...

It's true love
When you say you need me like the way i need you
And you can't be without me
Like I can't be without you
It's true love
When we spend time talking on the phone
Cause when we're not around each other you don't want to be alone
It's true love, love, love, love
Don't you know it's good to be in love, love, love, love
Just believe me truthfully cause
Love is never ever makin you cry
Before I tell you a lie
I'll give my life
Cause that's true love

-tru love by faith evans

just as i thought

slept late...
woke up late...
ate brunch...

i thought this was just another boring, unproductive day for me.

just this evening, one of my guy prospects told me that he has found a boyfriend already.
i think it was just yesterday that they became official.
i thought that i had a chance with that guy, my suitor. he told me that he needed time and that he was making ligaw to me...

fuck. i was giving him all the time that he needed.

just a few days ago, i stayed up late just to talk to him, because i was waiting for him to give me his sun number so that i could talk to him. he just ended up really drunk that time, thus getting really intoxicated and had forgotten that we'd talk. i text him often too.
i just don't know... he's just way too fast, and i don't fall that easily. that he keeps on makin kulit that i answer him na. is that what you call ligaw?

effit. i really like that guy though.

snap out of it niko angelo.

oh come on! there's still a few decent guys out there bitch! move on!

i'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me

immaculately conceptualized

and i'm not sorry, it's human nature
express yourself, don't repress yourself
-madonna

it's better if we'd express ourselves than hold in what we feel towards something.
a while back, i confessed to my crush that i have a crush on him. effit. is that a no-no? hahaha. okay. whatever. it was just liberating.
i was feeling really low this evening. i felt so pathetic. i talked to friends and they told me to just hold on because everything will be okay. and i believe them with their advices. hay. i need a hug... huhu.

i take back all that i've said from my previous post. that i'd be frozen.
i just can't. i'm just human. i am still vulnerable of whatever strong emotions that i'd encounter. and i am aware of my frailties as a person. as a human being.

i'd like to say sorry to the guy mentioned on my last post... he and his ex-boifriend didn't get back together. i was just assuming so much. he was just testing me "daw", of how i would react if he makes me think that he was still seeing his exes. i was jealous. just as i was assuming so much, expectedly, i'd react so much too. as in OA, overacting. i told him that i hate him during that time. and that i don't really like him, when i really do.
i dint really realize how much he values me, that he'd just stay quiet whenever i'm in a bitch-fit mood... gawd. i'm so stupid. now we're starting things again... as friends.

i'm such a bitch.

and the reason is you

I believe in the thing called love but, I know that love is just a feeling. Clearly - this is how "The Darkness" inspired me to conceive this thought. I was in love. I thought that I had completely forgotten the things associated with my emotional past. I thought I've already forgotten these "things" with this person. But I wasn't, not totally. I've still got bits and pieces of that person remaining in my heart. And come to think of it, we were just treating each other as friends. How could I fall for this person so deep? I know that there are reasons - reasons for the cause of the spark that I felt when I knew this person for the first time. I'm still in love - The spark - oh what a great feeling it is to feel such thing. I felt like floating on air, I was light as a feather. And there too at my stomach, flew butterflies. God, how could I feel this way towards this person? Is this person "the one"? I was so nervous and so out-of-myself at that time. I was with my dream lover. How I wish it was this person - how I wish this person is the one - the one meant for me. We agreed to meet in a bookstore at the mall near our schools. 12:30 was the time we agreed on. Told me to meet inside the bookstore, near the computer books – beside the elementary books. I came in manila at around 10:30, so I waited in a coffee house in Intramuros until it struck 11:30. Sipping some frappucino, I organized my thoughts. I thought of things to talk about when we meet. I was really excited and nervous at the same time – such a really kooky feeling, for it was the first time that I’m gonna meet my chat friend. I walked going to the mall, hoping that everything’s gonna be good and everything’s gonna turn out fine. I went there at the bookstore, hiding in the psychology section bookshelf – for it was a perfect spot to see my friend coming in. I hid there for some time. And as the clock struck 12:30, there came a guy. Propped in black polo, jeans, and black leather shoes. Dang! It was the person that I’m gonna meet… I know everything had turned out fine. Just as it was supposed to be. I walked to the other shelf and waited for his call… my phone’s flashing… it’s him, it’s really him. So I went up to him and said, “hi, so are you the one I’m supposed to meet?” He replied and confirmed that it was him. God. Sparks… then came the sparks! We talked and conversed as we walk to a fast food resto. We both hadn’t had lunch yet. We ate burgers. I still have the receipt with me until now, I kept it as a remembrance. We got acquainted and we somehow clicked. (I think so…) We talked and got really acquainted. We almost knew each other wholly. I really had fun when I was with you. Butterflies and sparks flew. I wish we watched a movie together. I admit, I am really a boring person to hang with. I was so happy at that time. You’ve got me smitten. Could I say, “you had me at hello.” You thanked me and told me that you had a great time with me (I really hope you did). You even told me to be not hesitant in approaching you, if ever I have problems. You even told me to treat you as my own friend – you thought that we’d be good buddies. I know we’d be, it made me oh so happy. I was transferring to another school. I haven’t decided on where to transfer yet. Any fine architectural college would do. I searched… and found that the school that you’re on had architecture. I found hope… It was you who inspired me to choose your school to transfer at. IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU. I hoped that we would be closer if we went to the same school, see each other everyday and be much more of friends could ever be. Just as I thought… I was inviting you to watch this cheering competition at a university. You turned it down because you had a general assembly with your organization and you’re with someone else. This ‘someone else’ has been mentioned before. I thought that this person was just a close friend of yours. I wish I never had asked you who this ‘someone’ is. It turned out that this ‘someone’ was your significant other. My world crumbled. My heart crushed. My hope is gone… I just accepted these things, as it was, as it is. But still I was hurt. I confessed my feelings for you. You told me to be cool and be thankful that we were friends. I did. Should I still wait for my chance to be with you? And with this feeling, this depressing feeling – I had Bob Marley’s song ‘waiting in vain’ as my anthem. Funny, yeah, totally funny. But this is how I would feel for it. How come you didn’t told me that you were already taken in the first place? How dare you hurt me so bad like this? I was kinda mad at you for doing that to me. Still, I have to forgive you for that because you’re my friend – my buddy (as what you’ve said). I know I have to stop thinking of you, but I can't. I just can't, it’s hard to do such thing. It’s a bit sordid to think of you all the time – 24/7. I’ve to stop. You’re already taken, I have to respect that. I’m not for you. Really not for you. How could I fall for such an angel like you? My feelings for you are just burning here inside my heart. Hurting me, making me sad. It made me wish that I shouldn’t have met you, but I know I shouldn’t. It was meant to be. And if it was meant to be, there’s a reason why we met - destiny. Or maybe our own free will. It’s just a forever feeling that would settle here in my heart. This would just make me cry.Thanks for the coffee we had last March 19, 2004. I think that would be our last time to see each other. Good luck. Love you friend. Peace.