hurt, hurting... jaded

i know, i'd make it on my own. to stand up when this hurting is over...
when all my bruises have healed, i will stand up once again, and i will stand tall...

there are times when we fall for someone, and never knew that there were no safety nets placed below, we fall and crash... hit the ground really hard. and that would make us realize how foolish we have become.

i thought that we connect, like spider's web woven into perfection. we are not, we are frail.

it was early in the morning when i was browsing through this site... i was looking for decent guys to talk with or set up a date with... then i found your page. i started with the usual "hi, may i add you up" message. you said thank you, and i retorted thank you too... then we exchanged messages and told i told you that you sounded different from the other guys, that you were interesting. we jokingly addressed the site where we met as the 'meat market'. i bid farewell for i was to jog with my mom that morning, then you gave me your number...
a few hours have passed... i sent you an sms... "hey, it's me Angelo from...", then you replied...
you were at work. and you didn't mind that you were working and all...
days have passed and we still have exchanged messages through sms. we have some things in common... we kinda have the same interests, we look for the same qualities in men (substance, form, maturity, intellect)... it was you whom i was looking for all along.... you liked literature, and so was i. you liked visual arts, films, walking, writing... and so was i... so much coincidental things... that at one time i mentioned to you that this was more than serendipity, meeting you and everything...
weeks have passed...
we were supposed to meet, i was anticipating that day.
a week before that, you told me you were sick. that you caught cough and colds. i got worried that we were not gonna be able to meet a week after that. i was asking you if you wanted to reschedule our meeting, but you insisted that you were gonna be okay and that you wanted to meet me too... i was worried at how you got ill and still managed to go to work... the day that we were supposed to be meeting up came... no sms from you came... i asked you if we're still to meet up later at that day. still no sms... i was busy preparing and everything, i thought that you were okay, or you were just sleeping... then, i received an sms from you telling me that, "i'm disappointed, Niko Angelo." that i was being insensitive, to not care for you because you were sick. i knew it, i should've just cancelled that meeting... we got into some argument... i just said sorry...
then things came. you told me that you were not ready for any commitment yet. that the last thing you need or do is to hurt others and yourself. that you still weren't over from your past relationship, which was like months ago already. but i still respected you for your decision. i told you that i'd wait for you... tell me, am i being foolish for having that decision? having no clue of what you're doing right now, or if you have been talking to someone else already... and that you never liked me really in the first place...
i've asked you, if you still like me... yet you replied that i didn't understand a thing that has been going on with your life. that you don't want any relationships right now. and that you don't want to get hurt, to not hurt anybody. and that it would be unfair for that person to get into something (a relationship) prematurely...

i have been through that situation over and over again... i have been there, it came to a point that i don't want to love anyone... that i wanted to be numb, cold...
but if you were really in love, then fight for it. i know that i don't want to hurt anybody, nor myself in the game of love... but i carefully choose those people who are worth taking the risk, the pain, and everything that love trails upon... i've fallen a thousand times, got hurt a millionfold...
you are worth taking the risk! you are worth the pain! and it is the last thing on my mind too, not to hurt you.
i brave all the odds that comes my way, people might see me as this strong person... but no, behind that mask hides Niko Angelo, crying, bleeding, hurting...
yet i'd risk everything for you... and you, never thought of it that way...
but right now, i'd just try to be nonchalant about it... holding in that pain, to not let you know how excrutiating it is to act numb... to lie to myself...
please tell me if you like someone else, don't make me look dumb after telling you that i'll wait for you until you are ready. i'll just try my best to respect and understand your decision Arris. i'm not forcing myself on you, though i feel like that at times, so please just tell me if you don't want me meddling with your life.
I'll just be here if ever you need me...