dear life

do you know how much you suck? that sometimes you have to be this superficial being, trying to please and deal with other people and their shit. or that you always have to put up this happy facade up in your face to not make your friends worry about your problems. i don't want them to worry about me, and i don't want them to meddle with my problems, not unless i talk to them and ask for advice.

do you even know how jaded i am right now? you pro'lly know that there's someone who makes my heart smile now. ionno if he still does want to make my heart smile... ionno if he still likes me... ionno... all i know is that i shouldn't be keeping him as a possession... if he wants to go and talk to other men then he can do so... please, if you are choked with all my incessant whines and "pangungulit". please, do tell me... i don't want to choke you, and i didn't mean to be insensitive the other time. i really was just eager to see you... you just don't know how much you mean to me by now. i've spent days just thinking of you... uttering your name before i sleep, thinking that you'd make me smile again the next day i wake up... i've invested so much emotion for you... i know that you wouldn't want to hurt me. but if you really have no choice. then please, do so... you're worth all the pain, i'd even cry a river for you if i have to...

you know how much i hate stupid people, but sometimes i'd hate my ownself for being stupid.
i know how to apologize sincerely, you've thought me that. because i know i don't want to have any enemies...

dear life, why is it that you still seem to be beautiful despite the storms that you've gone through? and why do we always have to shed tears whenever something so important gets taken away from us? why is it that sometimes, you seem to be blurry? that i can't read or see through things and events, and that would just make things worst?

dear life, you have made me wiser by throwing irrational questions at me. you have made me stronger by slowly beating me up. you have made me more human by giving me eyes to see, and a heart to feel.

thank you for teaching me how to smoke cigarettes, it's the only thing that i can count on to whenever i need comfort, and thank it's placebo effects over my depressions and lone times. though i know it's one hell of a thing to damage my lungs, my granddad died of lung cancer... but life, i really want to die young. i don't want to die all grayed out and wrinkled... i'm prepared for death anyway. i'm ready whenever death's ready...
okay, sorry for saying that you suck... let's just get a stick and bust our lungs out.
life, you are one of the reasons why i keep smiling, and sharing this smile to others makes me feel so euphoric...

life, you are one hell of a bumpy ride, and fuck. i wouldn't mind having this joyride once again...