tired

i’m tired of wearing this mask. trying to fool whoever asks of my disposition.

if you’d ask why i have to do this, i would say straight to your face that i am doing this because i want to show them how strong i am. i want to tell you and them that i know how to handle myself, my issues, my problems.

i am doing this because i want to prove to you that i can be man enough to face the wrecking ball of depression and desolation that would crumble me to pieces. i want you to see how i’m keeping myself together. how i’m holding on to the people around me and myself.

i am on the verge of breaking down, i am at the point of turning into one depressed soul.

i’m tired, but i wanted to keep this within me. i have to.

iwkywimf. forever.

del.icio.us Tags: hurt,pain,depression,alone

you and me

your love is all i have.

it gives me the strength to face the storms.

it is the sun that radiates my universe.

it is the moon that guides me when i am bewildered by my fears.

it is the water that drenches the roots of my being.

it is the air that keeps the fire between us burning.

my love is your love.

my love is yours forever.

del.icio.us Tags: love,smiles,inspiration

emotionless

here i am, standing at my friends balcony, drinking vodka and smoking my nth cigarette. bitter, the cigarette tastes bitter.

i sit by the side and think of myself. blank. i can’t think of anything… they talked about their story for the short film project that they’ll be doing, and i never did go out to talk with them. i never had to share anything about the story of that short film, because i was not that important in that film. but i do know that i’ll have my own direction for this video for the official soundtrack of that film.

as i sat at the side, i thought about my reaction towards the things that are around me, i never had any reaction towards those things. i always had been quiet about issues, and probably that is why they never notice me. i never had been the outspoken kind of person, so my boyfriend thinks as i think of it myself.

i never had any reaction. i felt void. i felt emotionless.

i feel like i am becoming less human because i cannot express myself anymore. my boyfriend is so frigging tired of me being so quiet. he wants me to talk.

I WANT TO TALK.

i never wanted to disappoint him, on me being so quiet and so not reacting on the things happening around us, especially about us…

I AM EMOTIONLESS.

i never wanted to be like this. maybe i just do not want to associate myself with these issues that surround us, that surround my friends, that surround me.

it is wrong to be like this. i do want to express myself often, but i still feel so constricted. i feel caged up by these overlapping emotions that i am supposed to feel. i have had enough of being soft spoken. i hate being like that anymore.

i do not want to be EMOTIONLESS anymore. no more.

del.icio.us Tags: emotionless,alone,paranoid,self-pity

Wet Christmas

I don’t know if you’ve enjoyed your holidays, but mine was absolutely wet. Don’t get me wrong here, I enjoyed my Christmas day but, I never did expect my Christmas day to be like that – wet. though i really enjoy the chilly air that has been hurling around the town all day (no, make that all month long).

It was freezing up here at Tagaytay, I woke up really late – too late that I’ve missed most of the children that has been asking for “pamasko”. I love this weather when it’s all chilly and cold, longing for someone’s tight warm embraces; but all I’ve got is a hot mug of coco,  sweater and some blankets (layers of it). It just seems so not fitting for the jolly, warm and fuzzy Christmas atmosphere. It is odd enough that I’ve spent my whole day sulking and watching Christmas marathon movies, and not go to my relatives to greet them a happy Christmas. Though, I did went to my aunt’s house to visit and socialize, and yeah, to see my first niece too. She’s adorable, she looks like my cousin Abby.

Speaking of my first niece, I didn’t expect, uh, I didn’t know that I have already got a godchild! I’ve absolutely forgotten about him! Oh, poor child, but I did give him some cash though. Him and his mother went here at home. I was so shocked when I saw him and his mother. I was so shy to approach them, really! Gawd, you just have no idea how burdening it is for me to have been missed the responsibilities of a good godparent. It is because I didn’t know! I thought that all of that god parenting thingy was a joke when my dad substituted for me during his baptism. I thought that it was my dad who is that godfather of that child but, it turned out that it was really me who is the godfather.

Jeez. I’m becoming insensitive. I’ve gone cold. I’m becoming the Grinch!

Oh the weather outside… It’s freezing, don’t bother to ask if I get all nippy here, yeah I do. I’m frozen here forever, I’m just waiting until the resuming of class in January, but until then, my mind and my body would remain as docile as the weather. Shoot! I’ve just remembered, I still have to do that script! Darn…

Great, this is just the greatest Christmas vacation, EVER!

del.icio.us Tags: Christmas2008

blocked

lately, i have been having trouble writing. you know the feeling of having so much thoughts of what to write, and suddenly when you face the monitor nothing comes out of your head? that, that’s what i have been experiencing lately. i do not want to have this kind of situation. is this some kind of a disease or something? i wouldn’t call it writer’s block – it’s too lame a word to call it that.

i do not want to have this kind of feeling right now. i have so much to do, so much stuff to write and i can’t let it out.

i have to write a script for this upcoming event for school. i have to write a prayer for the school administrators, for the foundation day and alumni homecoming. see, i have so much responsibilities to do.

i so hate this feeling right now.

The Need To Be Alone

They say that no man is an island, but I say that a man should at least know how to be alone.

A man should at least know how to separate himself from the world that he has been used to, perhaps to spend time alone - to think of himself, his problems and its resolutions, and on how he affects other people through his influence. A man needs to isolate himself from time to time, to concentrate.

As with what general psychology says, we need to be alone sometimes, and with his time being alone he can do introspection -  a reflection of himself.

We all have friends to accompany us with our everyday life, but it is once that we ask for time for ourselves. Our friends should understand that we need to separate ourselves from them too, and this is a mature and healthy act of assessing one's social interaction with the environment that he has been living in. This would mean having and reassessing one's judgements towards other people, setting aside the views and opinions of friends. After coming to a realization towards something, we should then meet halfway with our friend's point of views. Our independent decisions are beneficial for our relationships with the people around us; having time to think about our issues with our peers, our relationship with our parents, our work or academic behavior and attitude, our relationship with our significant other - these are some of the things that we need to spend time with ourselves. We need reflection. Our judgements should not be hurried, we should give time for ourselves to think and decide.

I have been experiencing a dilemma. I have long been wanting to spend time with myself, to think and to muse about the things that have been going on with my life, with my relationships with my peers, my relationship with my parents and my relationship with myself.

I wanted to distance myself from my friends because I need to set my own opinion on the issues that have been going on with us, with other people. For once, I just wanted to think of myself. I didn't mean to be selfish or anything and I don't hate them either, I just need to have a break from them. I have been spending so much time being with them that I felt like being dazed with my own judgments and depend on how they would act, and I know that this is turning out to be unhealthy.

I wanted to fix my relationship with my parents too, they can't understand my hardships at school anymore. They always question me why I always come home late. The availability of my major subjects are only during the evening. I want to talk to them, I'm just setting myself to be in confrontation with them.

I am losing myself lately. I feel numb. I am void of emotions. No, I'm not really losing my emotions lately, it's just that I feel like not showing my emotions towards issues. I pity myself whenever my boyfriend and I talk about our relationship, whenever we have problems to resolve - it just seems that I am not showing my exact emotion for that situation, but I do have the empathy to understand my boyfriend and whatever situation that we have for that very moment. I am just not myself anymore.

I have lost myself from the rush of things during the previous activity that we have from our major subject last semester. So many things have passed and so many things have happened that I have lost track of everything - and that includes myself.

I haven't spent any time with myself lately. I have been used to being solo - with being solitary before I met my friends, just like how my boyfriend before. That is why I understand what he means that he wants to go solo again -  to spend time with himself and his need to be alone.

This time, I would pause and think of the things that have been going on around me. I need time to be alone.

new semester, new life, new love...

Good day!

I am preparing myself for school as I'm writing this.

Today is the first day of the second semester in college.

I just miss blogging. I miss sharing my stories. I've had a very hectic schedule last semester, and I hope I'll be having another loaded semester now. Being busy is fun. It takes you away from unimportant worldly matters and focus on things at hand.

I already found him. ^_^ We're celebrating our first month on Wednesday, and I hope to celebrate our relationship for years to come. Details later.

The sun shines brightly today, I hope I'll have a very happy day (I know It'll be happy because I'm with him. Hehe.)

I'm living, loving and enjoying my life. I hope you do to, or try to at least be that. ^_^

Ciao! Later then...

A dream

I had a dream, it was about the man who saved me from danger.

There I was living in a strange city, in an apartment, and there I lived by myself.
I was wandering around the city and decided to pass by the apartment of a friend. But I seem to have lost my way around to my friend's house. There I was stuck in the outskirts of the city, where it has been rumored to have been guarded by a vicious panther. I didn't know what to do, I was lost! I am scared of the thought of being attacked by the panther.

I was about to turn around to look for another route, to escape that horrible part of the city, when a panther blocked my way. I yelled for help as loud as I could, I hoped that the people would hear me, but no one came. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a black racing car appeared. The car door opened and heard a voice saying, "get in, fast!" I hopped inside the car and shut the door, I stared at the window, looking at the mad panther that was about to attack me. I escaped.

I rested my head at the car seat, eager to see who have saved me from that danger, turned my head around to the driver and saw this guy. I sighed and blurted out, "what an angel." His face has this trace of innocence, yet attractive enough to stare at. His facial features were both soft and defined, like how angels are supposed to be. He was tall, well built and has skin as fair as snow.

Exhaustion overcame my senses, I wrapped my arms around him and felt his warmth; that made me relaxed and comforted. He responded by embracing me with his free arm as he continued driving. There I slept on his shoulders.

I woke up at his house, in his room. I looked for him and found him about to take a bath, I told him I had to go. He wanted me to stay, but I insisted that I had to hurry to meet up with a friend. He didn't say a word, he gave me a tight warm hug instead. I felt like melting from what he did.
He told me that his parents are up and I had to dodge them on my way out, he didn't want them to see me, he told me to go out of the house as quickly as I can; and so I did. I saw their helper, she was about to ask me who I was but I just ignored her. I passed by a mirror and saw that I was only wearing shirt and briefs! I heard his parents come out of the master bedroom, so I hurried my way out of their unit. I found a staircase and made my way up. I saw a small door and opened it, and to my surprise, it was my friend's house!
The End.

I don't want to sound so desperate but, I woke up sad after that dream. I was having another 'wishful thinking moment'. Is it wrong to hope for something like that to happen in real life? - to have a man save you from solitude, to love you truthfully and unconditionally? Sigh.

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this is my first ever post from my notebook. ^_^ hooray for me and my notebook. ^_^